We wrote this for non-muslims who want to enjoy their Sallah holidays by eating meat till their teeth begin to ache.
1. Make a list of all your muslim friends
Just make a list first. The more, the merrier.
2. Wish them Happy Sallah and remind them you love them
Telling them you love them is unrelated to you begging them for meat, of course. Friends tell each other “I love you” all the time.
3. Tell them that you’re coming to their house
Don’t ask. This is where people make mistakes. If you ask, you’re giving them the opportunity to say no. Just say, “How far, I dey show for your side tomorrow.” Only a wicked friend will say no to you.
4. If you’re not really close with them, we have a couple of excuses you can give to get into their houses
- “I forgot my charger in your house” always works even if you’ve never been to their house.
- “I have a gift for you.” But the gift is your presence.
- “I know how to kill rams for free”. With this one, whatever you do when you get to their house is your business.
5. Leave home early
If you get there late, ojukokoros like you would have finished all the meat. Don’t dull.
Nothing is sweeter than free meat. Nothing.
7. But don’t stay in one place
Remember those your other friends you called? Go to all their houses. (This doesn’t apply if you’re in Lagos, as traffic will finish you before you reach your second destination. If you find one place to eat Sallah meat in Lagos, just stay there.)
8. Remember to have nylons in your possession at all times
You cannot eat everything you get at once. Pack the rest inside nylons and put them in your bag. You can use the neat you get that day to make soup for your family.
9. And Flagyl
Just in case your stomach decides to move mad. Be one step ahead.
10. Don’t drink anything
Small time now, your stomach will be full. No, please.