Our Entirely Real, Not Made Up At All Predictions For 2020.

January 6, 2020

The Nigerian new year always begins with the same things: a cross over service to start the next 12 months right. A minimum of 15 resolutions for how the new year would be the healthiest, wealthiest yet. And our favourite ⁠— a number of very predictable predictions for the new year. Like that one time TB Joshua predicted Hillary Clinton would win the US elections in 2016.

Toeing the line of some of your faves, we decided a healthy dose of very real, not generic 2020 predictions, courtesy our crystal ball, to be just what the doctor ordered this fine day. Here’s our stab at it:

Nigerian politics and life.

In 2020, Elisha Abbo is going to win the: “I’m Trying To Get People To Forget I Hit A Woman In A Store In Abuja In 2019, So I Sponsored And Won This Award” Award.

And he’ll win it too.

Nigeria will be hit with many natural disasters.

And our natural disasters go by: ‘Excellency’, ‘Senator’, ‘Minister’ etc, but disasters they will be.

In a never before seen turn of events, Nigerians will face a number of hardships – traffic, flooding, kidnappings, police harassment, etc.

Even worse, very little will be done to prevent these. Much surprise.

More Nigerian life.

We predict that by January 17th, your “new year, new me” plans would have entered a gutter on a side street.

Don’t blame us, blame our crystal ball.

We have also seen that between the months of June, July, August, September maybe October too, there will be rain.

Somebody please tell the government, they seem to not know this happens every year and never take any flooding/traffic preventative measures.

Hmm. We tried to ask our crystal ball if this would be the year you found love and it turned black.

See proof.

Not sure what this means, but hope you’ve booked your solo trip for Valentine’s Day?

Nigerian music.

2020 will be the year of beef.

M.I Vs Wizkid: The Little Wars. 2Face V 2 Baba: The face-off.

This will also be the year of the complicated dance step.

And you thought tesumole was hard. We’re predicting a dance that is exclusively 3 minutes of frog jump, a one-minute plank and 30 squats in quick succession. Pepper them!

Other stuff.

Surprise! A new iPhone will be released in 2020.

Who would have guessed? Our crystal ball just informed us the iPhone 11s or 12 will come out. There’s harmattan, so the fog didn’t let us see it clearly. Keep this news to yourself, okay?

2020 will be the year this pose dies by fire.

Amen and amen.

And that pose women do with the downward gaze and hand on hip. You know the one.

Dun do it again, okay?

What are your predictions for the new year?

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