Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.
Last weekend, I got a call from a friend around midnight. She said she was in a fix and had to sleep over at my place, but she didn’t say why. All sorts of scenarios crossed my mind as I waited for her to come over. I know she had planned to sleep over at a new boyfriend’s house for the first time and the worst-case scenario I imagined involved me marching down to his place with the police. She got to mine looking only a little red in the face. I asked what happened and she refused to tell me till the next morning. Turned out she had tried to keep her wig on during sex. Of course, this didn’t work out. It came off, and he laughed it off but she was too embarrassed to stay the rest of the night.
I had a few other friends over that morning and we got talking about the most embarrassing things that had happened to us during sex. I laughed, cried, cringed and decided I absolutely had to share. To make the story a little more diverse, I also put out a tweet asking people to slide into my DMs with their stories, and even after going through all the DMs I got twice, I still laugh until tears roll out my eyes when I read them. I’ve decided to share eight of the most embarrassing stories here.
So here’s what 9 women said about the most embarrassing thing to happen to them during sex.
I used toothpaste as lube
I’m still not sure how this happened, but this guy and I had checked into a hotel to, you know, do the do. I dry out quickly so I usually need quite a bit of lube. We turned out the lights and got to it. I picked up the lube, put some on my hand and started to rub it on his penis. I remember thinking it was thicker than usual. I got on top and started to slide in and at first, I was like, wait, why’s this thing tingly? Then it went from tingly to peppery and I thought, what the fuck is happening? I ran to the bathroom and started splashing water on my poor vagina while he put the lights on. It turned out there was toothpaste right beside the lube and that’s what I had picked up.
My period started
My period was a week late and I thought it was skipping that month because it’s irregular. I also never get the warning cramps some people get when their period is about to start. Sha, I was having sex with my boyfriend and he was getting into it because I was wetter than usual. Me sef, I was wondering what was going on. I thought, last last I must be ovulating. He looked down at some point and told me he thinks my period has started. I almost died. I just want you to know that he actually wanted to continue.
We couldn’t find the condom
I don’t know if this is embarrassing or scary. I had finished having sex with this guy I knew I shouldn’t be having sex with, when he asked, “Where’s the condom?” He’s one of those ‘funny guys’ so I didn’t take him seriously at first. And then he said, “Like for real, I didn’t take this shit off. I don’t know where it is.” That’s how we started searching the room for it. For about an hour, we searched and didn’t find it. Eventually, he said, “Oh well. see you later now.” I stood there thinking, are you mad? I sha went back to my house and used my fingers to fish around in there to find it. Nothing. After a few hours, I felt the stupid thing start to slide down from God knows where. I pulled it out, bought Postinor and got tested for everything the next month.
I was too loud
This happened when I was in UNILAG. My boyfriend used to stay in a BQ and I went over there a lot. We were having so much sex, it’s a small miracle I graduated without getting pregnant. One day we were about to get into it and he said, “Can you try to be a little quiet this time.” Apparently, all the boys around could hear me each time we had sex and they had been teasing him for weeks. They even had a nickname for me; I can’t remember it now. The shame didn’t stop me from having sex that day though. But when I came out, I couldn’t look any of the guys in their face.
I threw up on his penis
I had been seeing this guy for a little over a year. We often experimented with sex because I’m blessed with a high libido and I’m open to exploring. This one time, we got drunk. I had read somewhere about how I could manage my gag reflex and wanted to test my skills. This was after eating amala and egusi, by the way. I guess that combo did not go very well with gin. A few minutes into the job, I decided to deep throat. Let’s just say someone had to clean up a hot mess of amala and egusi gunk off his body because I vomited without remorse.
It has to be the time I farted. A little backstory so you understand how embarrassing this was for me; I find it hard farting in front of people, except in my sleep. I don’t know why the fart won’t come out as long as I’m not alone. Well, that may be a thing of my mind because I let out a very vile fart during doggy with a ‘friend with benefit’. I would have claimed it was that pussy fart thing if it wasn’t so smelly. I almost died from the smell. What made it more embarrassing was the fact that the boy said, “What the fuck? Please get up” after I did it. Imagine you’ve been giving him hot and doing most of the work by riding in different ways: cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, even dropping down and getting your eagle on and when it’s time to reap the fruit of your labour by bending over for the doggy, that happened. I never saw him again after then, the embarrassment was too much.
When I first met my current boyfriend, I knew he liked me, but I didn’t know he loved me. I thought we were just good friends. We had sex once but I didn’t count it as anything serious because we were both horny and I thought we were just good friends. Apparently, I was wrong because one random day after work, I dropped by to say hi to him and we got talking and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was on top of him and the next thing I heard was “I love you Ijeoma.” I wasn’t sure about what I heard but I opened my eyes to see him crying. I started laughing so hard I choked on my laughter. I laughed so hard I also started crying and beating my chest because I was choking. He was very embarrassed and won’t stop talking about it till now.
It didn’t even happen
This was like second-hand embarrassment for me, but still, it was embarrassing. I had been flirting with this guy for weeks; we were in different states and he’d tell me about all the nasty things he’d do to me when he saw me. I’d send nudes, he’d send dick pics (decent size, by the way; I was excited). He finally came to Abuja and we agreed to meet up at his hotel. I was freshly waxed and wearing no underwear. I was ready. There was a lot of foreplay, he was hard and I slipped on the condom for him. When it was time to slide in, he had gotten soft. I was like, ok maybe we need some more foreplay. He got hard again, and when it was time to slide in, it was the same problem. We did this for three hours and tried different things, but he just couldn’t stay hard. He felt so bad about it I had to stay over and comfort him. I stopped picking his calls after that day though.
I was about to do it once with a guy I thought I liked. I guess I was just horny looking back. We started making out and when he flipped it out, I just stared for a minute like is that all. Then I stopped called an Uber and left. I guess it was more embarrassing for him than me, but I was embarrassed on his behalf too. I never spoke to him again. I couldn’t imagine ever taking small dick in my life I heard it makes people cranky.