By Okonkwo Chinonso
Forget what Chimamanda Adichie told you about Nsukka in her stories, if you picked UNN hoping to enjoy that serenity or fall in love like Obinze and Ifemelu, I feel sorry for you. The ways the school will frustrate you oporrr.
Here are some of the ways UNN will make you regret being an undergraduate. Read and tell us if we are lying.
1. Hot and cold weather served together
Dearest undergraduate, you arrived on campus without a sweater? How do you like your suffering? Cold or chilled? Ah, uncle, you came with a sweater? RIP in advance oh. The heat is coming to parboil you.
2. 6 A:M GST classes
Welcome to UNN. Your first year GST classes are fixed by 6am and by 6:15 the hall is already full but the lecturer who is driving down from Enugu doesn’t show up until 8am. All die na die. Attendance, mandatory!
3. You had a sex life before? Forget it
You were a player before you got admitted to UNN and now you want to step up your game abi? You see all those condoms you came with? You will go back home with all of them. Every single one of them. Or maybe you will use them as balloons sha. Everybody here dey pursue CGPA, no time for knack.
4. Okpa is your new best friend
Fried rice, Jollof rice, Amala, Akpu, Pizza, Shawarma all of them will take a backseat so your new found delicacy, Okpa di oku, can reign supreme. You don’t have a choice, you either eat or you starve. Don’t worry, the taste gets better with time. It takes practice.
5. Oh you will trek. YOU. WILL. TREK.
The school’s map is haphazard with faculties scattered all around campus. Chances are that there is no cab going to Abuja building or Vet. So be prepared to walk the 2KM distance with your Leg-edes Benz . By your third year, you may notice that your trousers don’t fit through your calves anymore or that you no longer stand straight in photos. Pele. After graduation, better represent Nigeria in the wakwak olympics.
7. Chemistry Department will welcome you with your first F
You were headboy ooo, you had 9 As in Waec, you scored 340 in JAMB, Chemistry department doesn’t care. They will put you with the others. The first name you will likely hear in UNN is Asegebeloyin, Professor of Inorganic Chemistry and the enabler of your first F. Don’t stress it, just collect your L and rest.
7. Marathon Exams
You don’t need to check your exam timetable, it’s most likely a straightforward Monday to Friday exams, with two days in between where you write two or more papers. To be a lion is not a day’s job.
8. Kirikiri has got nothing on the boys hostel
If you have never seen the inside of a prison before, Alvan hall and Eni Njoku are the closest experience you will ever get. The inmates are running the asylum over there.
9. Extra Year is the rule not the exception
“Them don tidy me.” If you are wondering what that phrase means, wait till you approach your penultimate year, Them go tidy you join.
10. Zero social life
Don’t expect any special social events while on campus. Nobody get time.