1) Appetisers consisting of soft Cabin biscuits and undiluted Tasty Time.
The biscuits were soft because they’d been set out in the open for long and the juice was undiluted because fuck diabetes.
2) Candy so strong it’ll break a few of the children’s teeth.
In the absence of rock hard candy, there was always candy so sugary that it rot their teeth instantly.
3) A fucking terrifying clown
I don’t understand how children like this shit.
4) People cosplaying as severely malnourished/strung out versions of popular cartoon characters.
Barney the Dinosaur was the common one.
5) Dancing competitions where the kids dance to absurdly explicit songs for a chance to win worthless prizes.
Children would stomp the yard and each other (these things always involve small violence) for the grand prize; A Maths Set.
6) Terrible pictures of all the kids.
Have you ever tried holding a child’s attention during picture time? The worst.
7) Party packs full of even more useless stuff.
Goody Goody, Barbie pencils that snap in half if you hold them with more than two fingers, a glass pencil sharpener, etc.