Hmm, so you want to add me to your ‘Close Friends’ on Instagram. Thank you oh, the gesture is appreciated. Very appreciated, in fact. But to make lives easier for both of us, I want you to answer these questions.
1. First of all, are we friends?
Because if we are not friends and you add me, then this arrangement is not a mutual something. In fact, you have wasted ‘Close Friends’ slot.
2. Are we really close friends?
It’s not the one you will add me, I will now be watching videos of you and your actual close friends chopping life. Walahi talahi, I’ll cause trouble.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how interesting is your life?
Let us know now before you trap me inside Close Friends that will make me look somehow if I leave.
4. What do you plan to post in the ‘Close Friends’?
Eating spaghetti? Driving car? Singing along to Wizkid while nodding your head like an agama lizard? If those things are in your content calendar, please open the door of your Close Friends, let me leave.
5. Will you be showing nudity?
Shebi we are close friends? Please post your birthday suit, let’s appreciate the goodness of God in your life.
6. Will you be telling me dark secrets that you haven’t told anybody else?
For example, how you killed your nanny when you were 3 and your parents covered it up by sending you to Yankee. Tell me your darkest secrets abeg. After all, what are close friends for?
7. Will I see a hidden part of you that nobody else knows?
I know there is more to you than swimming pool and coding and wig and creamy pasta. Unleash the kraken and let me see.
8. Will you be chopping life and inviting me?
I cannot be watching you chop life and not get an invite. Do you want me to screen record and show your parents?
If you will not do any of these things, please remove me from that Close Friends with immediate alacrity. I appreciate your generosity, but I am not your target audience.
Love and light, friend.