If you’ve not thought about leaving Nigeria in recent times, you probably have someone dashing you dollars every day while you live comfortably and do nothing. Everyone is trying to japa. And who can blame them? A lot of the shitty things that can happen to you in Nigeria probably won’t when you get to Canada. In the words of the great Odunlade Adekola:
Here are a few ways to stunt on your enemies when you finally make it abroad:
1. First of all, make some enemies.
Your enemy can be a Twitter follower that aired you one time, a federal minister that banned Twitter or even Nigeria itself. This is your time to stunt on them, and you must do it with all the swag you have.
2. Make sure your japa is final.
Imagine after making mouth that you’ve japa’d, your village people appear in the form of Immigrations and send you back to Iyana Ipaja. Say God forbid. You have to be sure that nothing can bring you back to this country against your will. Once that’s settled, we can proceed.
3. Take a picture of yourself at the Nigerian airport.
You have to have all your luggage beside you in the picture so people won’t think you’re just going on a business trip. Stand in front of your three boxes and two Ghana-must-go bags, while wearing a head warmer so people know you’re going to a country with cold weather, and not Ghana or Burkina Faso.
4. Delete your VPN
This one is super important. If you don’t delete your VPN, it means you haven’t fully let go of Nigeria. What is Proton still doing on your phone in Canada? Are you a tech bro? You also have to take a screenshot of yourself deleting the app so that people will take you seriously.
5. Get the Shola Shobowale new dispensation picture.
If this picture is not in your Twitter post, have you truly japa’d?
6. Take a picture of the skies.
You get bonus marks if you’re sitting beside the window, where you can see the wings of the plane.
7. Take a picture at the new airport
Remember that your luggage has to be in the background of your photo. They must know that you have landed.
8. Now, make your Twitter post.
If you thought you were meant to post all of these before you reached your destination country, you are truly not ready to japa. Do you want your village people to hang your plane in the air? One last thing, the caption of your post has to be a variation of this: “Goodbye Nigeria, the evil you have done is enough.”