The Hilarious Life Of A Nigerian Stammerer

April 20, 2016

I sha knew I was special when people used to laugh when I spoke…

…abi tried to speak.

My sister would do everything to annoy me at home.

She was the devil.

Whenever it was now time to report her, I would basically turn into a DJ.

Kai! My life!

Me in school, avoiding being asked to answer questions or read out loud.

Forever dodging, but still passing.

It sha worked until my primary 3 teacher assumed passing in class meant I could do debate.

What’s doing this teacher?

Oya debate day, time to introduce myself and trust me to get stuck on my own name.

Ti-Ti-Ti-Ti-Titilope

Everyone sha had a good laugh, me sef I laughed because…

Abi?

Me, looking for a new word mid-sentence because I know that word I’m attempting is not coming out.

The struggle.

How people react when I jump from one unrelated word to another:

No vex, English teacher.

Whenever I stop talking halfway and someone tries to complete my sentence for me.

Abeg hold it.

Me, trying to express myself when I get angry.

The struggle to get the words out

Then I had that aunty who would always tell me to “talk slowly” as if that was all it took.

Like seriously?

Whenever I hear a Nigerian comedian cracking a joke about stammerers.

Ya not funny oh!!!

Whenever I meet someone who prefers talking on the phone to texting.

Enemy of progress!

When my sister now said I should be enrolled in a school for special kids.

I already told you she was the devil.

Whenever I misbehaved at home and my parents asked me to explain myself.

Just punish me abeg.

The one that sha pained me the most was when my crush finally said “hello”

Finally!

My throat now decided that I must stay single and I was just there like “he..he..he..”

God! Why me?

See my crush looking at me like:

“Is this one ok?”

I’ve sha learnt to accept the stammerer life like that, proudly sef.

Stammerers unite!

Because me I know in heaven my voice will be free…

Praise The Lord!

Free to finally report that it was Sade who closed the window in primary 2, not me.

Yup! I’m petty like that. Co-written by Zikoko contributor @DelphiicOracle.
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