The Hilarious Life of A Left Handed Nigerian

August 13, 2018

For all I know, the “being left-handed is bad” gist might just be an olden days version of those yeye Whatsapp broadcast messages that Nigerian parents always believe.

If you ask them who told them now, they’ll say it’s their great-aunt that told their grandmother’s cousin who told them.

I suffered a lot as a leftie, chai! I think my first official struggle was when they squeezed bitter leaf all over my left hand so I would suck on only the right.

When that one did not work, my people now followed bad advice and decided to bandage my left hand. Bandage o, imagine.

All because one woman opened her big mouth to tell them that it’s how she stopped her child from being a leftie.

My people tried all they could, but my left hand was just looking at them like:

Sha sha I learned my lesson eventually, and started rebelling small small.

One time, my uncle visited and as I was pouring juice for him he goes “my friend, will you use your right hand!”

I just continued filling the glass with my earpiece plugged in like:

When I finished he repeated, “I said don’t use your left hand!” Me, I was like:

My father just carried face from both of us. Master of unlooking.

Even in church, there was no peace. Sunday school teachers would be arguing on top my head and I’d just be there like:

One of them even had the mind to say “it’s a sin.”

Thank God for another teacher that saved me from the false prophet and opened Judges 3 vs 15 for us to read.

Defense from Baba God himself??? I just wrote down the verse and taped it to my door for anybody that wanted to form they knew more than God.

When I entered secondary school and started hearing “left handed people are meant to be smarter” I’d just look look at them like:

Fast forward to SS3 when I started having full-blown wings, supported by breasts.

I was just changing it for anybody that had anything negative to say about me being a leftie anyhow.

From pepper seller, to relative, to gateman, I was ready for EVERYBODY!

The first person that chopped my vex was one aunty that came to my house and started doing face, saying she was hungry.

Me, I even formed good girl and started serving her rice. Unfortunately for her, one evil spirit told her to she start shouting “who are you giving food with that left hand?”

Jah Jehovah, I just poured my rice back, locked the kitchen, and went to sleep. Aunty was there like:

They sha held family meeting on my head the next day because they didn’t have work, but wetin concern me?

The one that even chooked me was the cab man that refused to collect his money because I gave him with my left.

I just threw the money at him and walked away laughing and shaking my bum-bum. He was just there angrily shouting:

These days, I’ve started taking “you use your left?” as a call to war and my response is always:

Minus the annoying Nigerians, the left hand itself comes with its own wahala.

When I’m trying to open a car door or flush the toilet and I’m just there like:

Me, trying to wear a dress with the zipper on the left side:

When I’m trying to give a driver directions and I’m there trying to remember which way is left and which one is right.

Me, handling a knife with my right hand and trying not to cut my left off.

When I realized that most things in this world were designed with only right-handed people in mind.

Really, the ultimate test for every leftie is trying to use scissors. Chineke! It might as well be brain surgery.

To be honest, with the way my relatives really carried it on their heads, I’m surprised they didn’t change me. Well, I’m stubborn as hell so…

My aunty even came to the house recently, saw me eating and said “you still dey use this your left hand?”

“Iwo ati owo osi yi” was the mantra of the enemies of progress that tried and failed.

I sha love being left handed. #LeftHandsMatter.

It’s Left-Handers Day! Here are a few life hacks for my fellow lefties! You can also share this with the lefties in your life.

You'll like this

November 15, 2018

AFRIFF (Africa International Film Festival) 2018 is here and we couldn’t be more excited. To make sure you don’t miss out on any of the festivities, TECNO and a host of others have brought it to your own backyard, you can catch the festivities in locations spread across Lagos. If you are just hearing about […]

November 1, 2019

Halloween is a western tradition that basically involves lots of costuming and sweet sharing but many Nigerians don’t see it that way. For them, engaging in trick or treating is a sure way to turn into a cat and start flying at night. While people in the abroad were celebrating Halloween yesterday and our very […]

Avatar

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

October 22, 2020

Let’s start here: On the 20th of October, 2020, armed men of the Nigerian army allegedly shot at peaceful protesters in the recent #EndSars movement. It is estimated that at least twelve people were killed in Lagos, and hundred more were injured around Nigeria. In light of this unfortunate and avoidable incident, we decided to […]

October 22, 2020

This article contains updates on occurrences related to the general national unrest outside Lagos that you might have missed. We’ll keep updating it. Seyi Makinde addressing protesters in Ibadan The Oyo State Governor took to the streets of Ibadan yesterday to address protesters and the general public and to tell them that peace would return […]

October 22, 2020

Yesterday, Lagos State Governor, Babajide Sanwo-Olu addressed the state following the massacre of innocent civilians at the Lekki toll-gate the previous night. Here’s the speech. After watching him struggle for over seven minutes to deliver his speech, we were able to pick out some of the stuff we couldn’t just stand. See: 1. The lies […]

October 22, 2020

Recently, there has been an increasing occurrence of social media accounts broadcasting and spreading fake news. In one instance, a Twitter user posted a photo of Aisha Yesufu, a prominent activist purportedly showing her relaxing in her living room with her husband while #EndSARS protesters are on the streets. The photo was actually of her […]

October 21, 2020

The Nigerian military has a well-documented history of killing unarmed civilians. Listed below are five times the Nigerian military has killed unarmed civilians. 1. Baga Massacre, 2013 On 16 April 2013, 200 civilians were killed and over 2,000 houses were destroyed, with many other people injured in the village of Baga, Borno State, Nigeria. Refugees, […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

November 19, 2019

Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out:

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

More from Gist

August 11, 2020

Remember the Nigerian boy who was seen doing ballet pirouettes barefoot and in the rain, in that viral video? Well, he’s been offered a scholarship by the prestigious American Ballet Theater. With the help of American actresses Viola Davis and Cynthia Erivo, the video garnered 15 million views, ultimately leading to Anthony Madu being offered […]

December 19, 2019

Nigeria is a shitty place for those who live here, many seek an escape route. But, amid the insecurities, bad economy, and the uncaring government, some things happened this year that make us feel thankful. Yeah, we know, hard to believe right? Yet we need to end the year on a positive note, so here are some […]

November 18, 2019

Nigerians are yet to come to terms with the fact that cats can be pets but now have to deal with the fact that someone thinks a lion is tame enough to have as a security guard. Reports now confirm that a two-year-old lion was discovered in a residential building in the Victoria Island area […]

November 4, 2019

The 8th edition of the popular beach soccer tournament, Copa Lagos held throughout the weekend at Eko Atlantic, VI. It had us loving the opportunity to immerse ourselves in enjoyment. You should know by now that we can’t pass up a chance to get the ultimate weekend experience. And you know the fun part? We […]

October 21, 2019

In case you went under the rock this weekend then you MISSED. There was a lot of excitement for our Nigerian superstar musicians and the spotlight was on them, big time. From the much anticipated Headies award, to the birth of Davido’s son, Naira Marley’s legwork and his subtle shade at the organizers of the […]

October 15, 2019

Leather, as I have always known it to be, is a flexible material gotten from tanning animal skin. It is used to make most fashion items (shoes, clothes, bags, wristwatches), furniture, book covers and more. Cattle hide and reptile skin are the most popular skins used for leather but now there is a new kid […]

October 5, 2019

Tiwa Savage is in the news again for being number one ni Africa bad girl who comes with fire. Apparently, Charles Anazodo, media personality and sports analyst, got his pressure so high over the fact that Tiwa didn’t say Ello baby o, how do you do? He proceeded to narrate the whole incident on Twitter […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X