Sex Life: I Started Having Great Sex After Settling Into My Identity

February 20, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 32-year old pansexual trans man who grew up in Nigeria then relocated to the US. He talks about navigating sex as a trans man and dealing with transphobia from his partners.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was very reserved as a kid, and I didn’t do a lot of the adventurous stuff kids my age were doing. Then when I was fourteen, I remember messing around with this girl from school.

We didn’t do much — she would touch my legs and thighs sometimes in class. She was my first kiss and first attempt at sex, but what we had didn’t last long. 

Why didn’t it last long?

Rumours started flying about us. People noticed and everyone was talking about how two girls were lesbianing together. Can you guess what happened next?

No. What?

The babe distanced herself from me and joined people in spreading rumours about me. I was considered a tomboy then, so I was an easy target. Like, this babe went from initiating stuff to making me out to be some kind of predator. 

Jesus Christ.

It was awful, but it was, unfortunately, not my only experience with how stressful cis people can be. Luckily, my family moved states not long after that, and I didn’t return to that school the next year.

How did that affect you in the long term?

It was traumatising. People attacking me in that way, someone I was intimate with turning on me like that because of my gender expression is something I still deal with till today.

Till today? How so?

After I came into my gender identity, I dated this babe who said she was okay with my identities. She even had her pronouns in her bio. But whenever we would quarrel, she would use female pronouns on me. 

When we made up, she would say she was caught up in the heat of it all and apologise. After we broke up, she told me she would send boys to beat me. Someone heard her telling people she would get boys to rape me.

It fucked me up for a long time.

I’m so sorry about that. 

 It’s fine. I am much better now.

How’s your sex life now?

Really good. It took me years to accept and find peace with my identities as a pansexual trans man, but I have and now, my sex life is thriving. I am having more and better sex in my thirties than I was in my twenties, and I hope it keeps getting better. 

One thing no one tells you is that, as a queer person, you sacrifice your early years to your parents and society. We tend to belong to ourselves only when we are older. Now, I and my orgasms belong to me.

I am not currently dating anyone, but I’m also not searching, so I’m having regular sex  —  at least thrice a week — with many different people.

Do you still hook up with cis people?

Yeah, I do. Regularly. I always and without fail let them know my gender identity before we get into bed, but I don’t know if I want to date any cis person soon. I have suffered in their hands a little bit too much.

Fair. When did you realise you were pansexual?

I always knew, even though I didn’t know the word. The same way I always knew I wasn’t a girl despite what everyone said. I always liked who I liked. I would see a boy on TV and be like, “Damn”, then I would see a girl and feel the same. 

People started calling me lesbian, and I accepted the label because I think I always knew that even though I like girls and boys, I like girls just a little bit more. But I didn’t explore my pansexuality until I got into university.

Why did you wait till then?

I think after what happened in secondary school, I repressed myself for a long time because I didn’t want to deal with that type of bullying or gaslighting. For uni, I went to the US. It was there that I came to terms with my pansexuality and transness. 

I knew who I was before I got there, but being in that space helped me explore and understand it better. Then I made friends with similar identities and that just permitted me to be myself.

By my third year in uni, I was a certified slut. Every day, a new person. I felt like I wanted to make up lost time.

What about relationships?

I have a horrible track record with relationships. People are very violent with trans people, especially in relationships. The first person I was intimate with was the babe in secondary school. 

The next person was a girl who kept using me for examples on social media and in real life. Like, casually using my experiences, body, and things she knew about me as a partner to be making examples on Twitter. All without my permission.

Hian.

See. I would tell her to stop, then she would apologise, and the next thing I would see is a tweet like  “Trans men do not owe you a penis. My boyfriend hasn’t had bottom surgery, and I love his vagina.” It was too much. 

The sex was the bomb, but after a while, I realised it was time to end it. The next girl was the one who was transphobic when we quarrelled. Then I dated someone when I was in Nigeria for a while. That might have been my best relationship.

Tell me about that.

It was with a trans woman. I was in Nigeria for a few months for a project, and I hoped to remain unattached for a while. Then I met her and we just clicked. I think it’s the similarity of our experiences and everything. From sexual appetite to our minds, we were actual matches.

What happened then?

Have you ever met someone that you just know is meant for you, but the location didn’t allow you to be the best couple you could be? That’s what happened. 

I don’t think I have ever fallen that hard in love, but I had to go back to the US, and I am waiting for her to join when she’s done with her degree. I know once we are in the same place, it will work. 

Wow. Have you dated anyone since then?

Yeah, a guy.

Oh? 

Yup. Also by this time, I had a phalloplasty.

What’s that?

Bottom surgery. Most people know of metoidioplasty, the gender-affirming bottom surgery which helps a trans man get a new penis by enlarging the clitoris. I had a phalloplasty, which means they used skin grafted from my body to form a penis.

 Then I had a penile implant so I can get and maintain erections.

That’s amazing.

Yup, it is. The first is more popular because it is more straight forward than the second and doesn’t require as many revisions or doctor visits. Luckily, after the project I had been working on, I could afford the procedure, as well as the time for all of this.

That makes sense, How did that affect your relationships moving forward?

Well, the boy I dated next spent a huge part of our relationship measuring our penises.

Excuse me?

Yup. I had to ask my friends in gay relationships if this was a normal thing, and they were all shocked. One time, he said mine was bigger because it was fake. I broke up with him via text.

He deserved it, please.

Plus the sex wasn’t really good. We keep dragging straight cis men, but the gay ones should up their game too.

LMAO. I agree.

I think people have been looking at me as a real trans man now that I have had top and bottom surgery, which is just sad. I have always been a trans man, even when my parents made me wear skirts and gowns. 

I wish people realised your transness isn’t only legitimate after surgery. 

True. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Eight. I am having a lot of good sex regularly. I just hope it keeps getting better.


Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

Desmond

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

June 15, 2021

As a Nigerian, sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are in the best country in the world. 1) We have delicious suya and kilishi Regulate open grazing? No. Ban Twitter? Yes. Ban Cryptocurrency? Yes. Why? Because Suya and Kilishi >>>>> Technological advancement. It’s quite simple really. 2) “Over raw” best in world rankings […]

June 15, 2021

Adulting is a scam and anyone who’s above 18 can attest to that. We are all tired of the daily ghetto adulting is, which is why we’ve come up with very helpful tips on how to escape it: 1.Change the year on your date of birth. Are you really an adult if the government doesn’t […]

June 15, 2021

Nigeria’s inflation rate hit 18.17% in March 2021 according to the Consumer Price Index report released by the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS). The past couple of months have seen an uneven increase in the cost of things, and this has among other things, eroded the purchasing power of the average Nigerian. We spoke to […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

November 15, 2019

There are two types of people in Nigeria right now: those who are proud Marlians, and those who are still in denial about stanning the divisive star. So, for those who proudly wear the Marlian tag, we made a quiz to test how well you really know Naira Marley. If you get more than 6 […]

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

More from Sex Life

June 12, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a heterosexual 25-year-old man who became obsessed with penises when he realised his penis was small. He talks about how having a small penis affects his […]

June 9, 2021

Since heaven is the goal, but your body is not firewood, here are some of the best sex positions that won’t ruin your heavenly race. 1) Missionary The people that named this sex position knew what they were doing. It is simple, straight forward and as old as time. People that have sex like this […]

June 5, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year gay man who has a reputation for being a player. He talks about how his reputation for sleeping around is affecting his sex life and […]

May 29, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual woman who finds sex triggering and struggles to maintain romantic and sexual relationships due to past horrible and violent sexual experiences. She talks […]

May 22, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old woman who discovers she isn’t attracted to only men relatively late. She talks about finding out about her sexuality, how her husband helped her […]

May 15, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old gay man who recently discovered he is a side — a gay man who isn’t interested in penetrative sex. He talks about how this affects […]

May 7, 2021

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 32-year-old woman who decided to stop having sex after she turned 30. She talks her toxic sex life in her 20s and how this decision has helped her improve the quality of her life, relationship and friendships.

May 1, 2021

The subject of this week’s sex life is a 32-year heterosexual woman who is tired of having sex. She talks about her very sexually active 20s and how today, nothing about sex excites her especially sex with her husband. What was your first sexual experience? In secondary school, there was a guy that I would […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X