The subject of this week’s sex life is a 32-year heterosexual woman who is tired of having sex. She talks about her very sexually active 20s and how today, nothing about sex excites her especially sex with her husband.
What was your first sexual experience?
In secondary school, there was a guy that I would go to preparatory classes with and we would sneak to one side of an unused class and pretend to be reading. After a while, he would put his hands down my skirt and finger me. We did it for a long time, we never talked about it during the day and we never pushed too far. However, one time I gave him a handjob.
How long did this go on?
About a year or so. I didn’t want to cross the line of penetrative sex because my family was religious
My dad is a senior pastor, and my mother was the chairwoman of the women in her church district. My grandfather was a pastor too and my eldest sister is very religious.
It’s basically a family business.
When did you ‘cross the line’?
When I got to university. It’s funny how I didn’t want to ‘lose my virginity’ till marriage — I wanted to be special and all — but I lost it to a one night stand.
How did that happen?
I met this guy at a friend’s party and we clicked well. He was smart and fun and I was into his everything so we exchanged numbers. We talked for a while and one day, I went over to his place and we had sex. I can’t even remember his name. But I have no regrets because I was old enough to have sense. It was a conscious decision to lose it and I was aware enough of what that meant.
That sounds –
I also blocked his number immediately after.
I heard that some people have a level of ‘power’ over someone if they are the first person they had sex with and I didn’t want to risk it so I made sure it ended there and then.
What was your sex life like after that?
In one word, wild. After that experience, I wanted to experience it in all its flavour and omo, it was a ride. For three years, I was a free agent. I had fun, had sex, sometimes even regularly with one person. I even tried things with a woman, did an orgy, tried BDSM. I don’t think there’s anything sexual – that isn’t too dangerous or disgusting – that I didn’t try.
And during this period, you didn’t date anyone?
I eventually did, I dated two guys. I’ve never been big on relationships and commitment. I still don’t think I am. I dated someone for two months and the next person I dated has been my husband for two years. We dated for one year and eight months. I kind of got married out of boredom.
Run that by me again.
Lmao. So I had a really fun hoe phase for a while then stopped. After this, I dated someone – the person I dated for two months – and went back to my hoe lifestyle.
After a while, I got bored with all of it. I still had sex but it wasn’t as exciting to me. Then I met my husband. He is the sweetest guy in the world, but man, he is boring.
He doesn’t try new things, he is’t fun and random in the way I am and I wish he was. I’ll send thirst traps and his replies are very boring and meh. I have to physically drag him out for us to go out. I’m the opposite.
Why did you marry him if you guys are so different?
Stability. He is a rock, extremely stable and always there for you. At the time, I had lost my mum and needed something or someone to fall back on. And it was him and marriage. I sound like I hate it and him but I don’t. I love the man but I wish he could excite me more.
How has that affected your sex life?
If I blow down my vagina, I think dust bunnies will rise.
I’m kidding. We do have sex, but not as often as I envisioned I would be having sex as a married woman. Like twice or thrice in a month and it’s just usually just okay.
Considering how sexually active you used to be, does this frequency bother you?
So mine is an interesting case. Before I met my husband, I had a bit of a depression where I wasn’t having sex as often. I was bored of life and sex. The depression left but my sex drive didn’t return. Sometimes, I wonder if I used up all my sex drive and libido in my 20s and now in my thirties, It’s very meh.
What’s your sex life like right now?
Honestly, compared to my 20s? Non-existent. Like I said, my husband and I do have sex but it’s like once a week or every few weeks and it’s not exciting to me. I find it hard to blame him because I feel like it’s a me-issue.
Why do you think so?
My husband might not be the most exciting person but it is my sex drive that is gone, not his. He has always been like this from what I gather. Last year, I tried cheating on him and when I got to the place, I didn’t feel anything. So I left. That’s when I realised my sex life problems were my fault.
Have you talked to your husband or anyone about it?
If I tell my husband, he’ll think I’m attacking him for being boring or something. If I tell my friends, they’ll think I just want to have my hoe phase again which isn’t true. So I’m thinking of seeking therapy.
Do you have a theory why this happened?
Maybe I’m still depressed but don’t know itor I’m a late-blooming asexual person. I frankly don’t know.
How would you rate your sex life?
Don’t you need Sex Life to rate it? I guess one or two because sometimes I have sex with my husband. I miss when sex was a thing I yearned for and when I used to get orgasms. God when next?