13 Names No Nigerian Alpha Male Should Be Caught Bearing

November 8, 2021

We talked about colours no Nigerian Alpha male should be caught wearing and you people thought we were crazy, but we’ve decided to take it a notch higher. If you’re an alpha male with any of these names, please stop deceiving yourself. You’re not a true alpha male.

1. Harmony

You have tattoos, muscles, a beard, and a bad attitude. You drink black engine oil for breakfast and eat bolts and nuts for dinner. You shave with a chainsaw and sleep while hanging upside down over a pool of lava with Jidenna’s “Classic Man” playing in the background. So tell me, why is your name Harmony? Look at it yourself na. Is the math adding up?

2. Testimony

Testimony sounds like the name of a man who drinks brightly-coloured cocktails, which is the first sign that they’re not true alpha males. If you’re not drinking gin, bitters or beer, there’s no reason you should call yourself an alpha male.

3. Precious

You sef, bring out your driver’s license and look at your name. PRECIOUS? How can the streets respect you like this?

4. Hallelujah

If your name is Hallelujah, you should go and fight your parents because they’ve singlehandedly taken away your fuckboy and alpha male abilities.

Imagine this conversation:

Amaka: “Girl, why are you crying like this?”

Susu Peppersoup: “He broke my heart!”

Amaka: “Wait. Who?”

Susu Peppersoup: “HALLELUJAH!”

Amaka: “Glory be to God!”

Susu: “No. That’s not what I’m–“

5. Promise

The embarrassment from going around in your teenage years and using your name to do weird stuff like telling a babe, “Because I’m Promise, I promise to never leave you” should haunt you for so long, you won’t have any time to do alpha male activities.

6. Miracle

Miracle? MIRACLE?

7. Any name from the bible

Imagine being a walking, living, breathing alpha male one minute, and the next, someone is reading 1st Samuel chapter 5 and mentioning your name. That should never happen. As an alpha male, your name should only appear in clubs and in places where they’re sharing money and bad bitches.

8. Ife/ Love in any translation of the word

As an alpha male, you must never be a preacher of love. Know this and know peace.

9. Godson (Or any name that ends with son)

How can there be “son” at the end of your name? No o. They have to find new names that end with “dad” because that’s what you are. A zaddy.

12. Goodness

Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow you (because one of those things is your name). Goodness and mercy can’t follow alpha males because they don’t deserve it. Do you see where I’m going with this?

12. Blessing

Imagine walking up to someone on the road to fight them and then someone else shouts your name from across the road. Just imagine.

13. Glory

This one is a sub because I have a friend whose name is Glory and it cracks me up every time.


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