Being a bisexual man in Nigeria opens you up to many questions and emotions. Some of these questions are internal ruminations interrogating who you are and what you want, while others come from a society that views your existence as the inability to make a “choice”. We spoke to five bisexual men about discovering their sexuality.
So the interesting thing is, while I had always found men attractive, I’d only dated girls. Having a thing for men in Nigeria is not only “shameful”, it’s very dangerous. Like, lose-your-life level of danger. Knowing this, I pushed my attraction down for the longest time because I was scared. However, in 2012, out of boredom and having met a couple of queer guys, I went on the gay hookup site Grindr. I found a guy, invited him over, and we had sex. Even though it was confusing and chaotic the first time, I really enjoyed it. I didn’t want to hook up with the queer guys I knew because what if I was wrong or things got messed up? Anyway, I have a girlfriend now, but I’m still trying to muster up the courage to tell her. I’m scared she’d either think I’m gay or that I just want to be sleeping with everyone. Women are already scared you might cheat on them with other women — imagine adding men to the mix.
I like to say I knew I liked boys from the day I was born. The first person I ever found attractive in primary school was a boy, and it had always been that way up until my final year of university when I came out to a couple of people that I was gay. But in my final year, I realized I had a thing for this girl I used to have study sessions with. I told myself I liked her in a “Hey girlfriend!” way, but I found myself thinking of her and jerking off. . I finally told her how I felt. She liked me too, so we hooked up. It was great and we continued for like a year after school. These days, I hook up with both men and women, sometimes at the same time. It took me a while to tell my gay day ones sha, because in some way, it felt like a betrayal to the gay community, like I wasn’t part of the inner circle anymore. It stings that I can’t connect with them about this part of my life, but they are doing their best and I accept that. Hopefully, with time, they’ll get it. But until then, I’m living my life to the fullest. bi and proud!
I found out I was bi after I got invited into someone’s marriage by way of a threesome. So I had been hooking up with the wife because they had an open thing, but I never really knew what her husband looked like because we were trying to keep things as casual as possible. On the day, she invited me over and her husband was there. I had never hooked up with a guy or described a guy as sexy until I met this man with his salt and pepper beard. After a couple of drinks, we got into it and I f*cked both of them. I was already a very sexual person before my first experience, so I figured if I was a hoe with women, why couldn’t I be a hoe with men? People think bisexual women are intriguing but when it’s men, they must be confused? Me, I don’t care. I still meet up with the couple once in a while; sounds cliché, but they opened my eyes to what I’d been missing.
People think bisexual men are greedy sluts, men going through a phase, or men with internalized homophobia. I believe all these assumptions are bloody lies. Why? I’m none of those things. I even wish I had the energy to actually be slutty. I don’t know how I knew, but I’d always felt an attraction to both sexes. Typically, as a Nigerian, my first relationship was with a lovely girl. It was good and we were happy. After that, I dated another girl before I relocated to the UK and found my current boyfriend. A lot of people assume I only started dating a guy because I moved to London. Well, yes and no. Yes, because here I can hold my man’s hand and go grab coffee. And no, because I had always found men attractive, I just didn’t find one willing to commit openly back in Nigeria. I also wasn’t ready to date someone in secret, if I love you, I want to love you loudly and freely.
I had always thought I was gay. Because I had a preference for men, I did my best to invalidate my attraction toward women. I thought I was losing my “gayness” and conforming to society. I felt like I had to pick one because it didn’t occur to me for a very long time that I’m just bi. I’m a virgin so I haven’t exactly had penetrative sex with either of the two, but I don’t think sex validates attraction. I’m also tired of the questions: “Are you more into men than women?”; “Who will you end up with?”; “Is it a phase?”; and my personal favorite, “Are you sure you’re not gay and in denial?”. My answer to all of these questions is that my life is nobody’s business.