I Lost The Love Of My Life Because I’m Polyamorous

April 6, 2021

As told to Femi.

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. I met Chris* in a Zikoko Clubhouse room while he was describing his experience with relationships as a polyamorous man. He had quite the story to tell.

I met Bisola entirely by chance. There was this girl I used to flirt with now and then, and she accidentally sent me a photo of Bisola. When I asked about it, she said it was a mistake, and she’d meant to send the picture of the dress she was wearing to another friend. I told her that I was interested in the girl in the picture and asked for her Instagram handle. When I got it, I sent Bisola a DM and we started talking.

Bisola and I got along swimmingly. She studied philosophy, and I like to consider myself a thinker, so we used to have endless conversations about life’s deepest questions. We became quite interdependent. One day, I didn’t reach out because my battery was dead the entire day. When I came back online, she was furious and had already deleted my number. Being with her was so natural. We never had to force anything and expectedly, we fell in love. It felt like we were in a relationship from the start, but officially, we started dating three months after I sent that DM.

I truly believe that Bisola was the love of my life. Cupid’s arrow had hit me, and it hit me hard. The relationship was great. We kept no secrets from each other. If there was anything on our minds, we told each other immediately. 

Prior to our relationship, I found out that I tended to connect romantically with multiple people at the same time and be genuine about it. It wasn’t a “bad guy” act where I considered women as game; I just knew I could love multiple women sincerely. And if I’m in love with someone, I tell them as soon as I realise it. They don’t have to do anything about it or love me back, I just have to let them know.

Shortly before the lockdown, a year after I started dating Bisola, I met Annie*. We had great conversations and we connected. I realised I loved her. It wasn’t because I wanted to have sex with her. All I felt was a need to have her around me. 

ways to handle conflict in a relationship amicably between couplesGuardian  Life — The Guardian Nigeria News – Nigeria and World News

You know how people say if you love two people, it’s the second one you love the most? That’s nonsense. I still loved Bisola, deeply. But I also found myself developing a connection with Annie, and I didn’t feel like stopping it. 

That was the beginning of the problem. I knew that at some point I would have to tell Bisola about Annie and our budding friendship because we kept no secrets,  and it was impossible to derail from that track. But how do you tell the love of your life that you’re in love with someone else?

In April, during the lockdown, Bisola spent the entire month with me, and it was terrible. Normally, we were a sexually intense couple. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Sometimes, she’d be in a virtual meeting and we’d fuck through even the most important parts of her presentation. Or she’d be giving me head while I’m on a work call. But in that month,  I couldn’t have sex with Bisola because of the dark secret I was keeping from her. The guilt from not telling her another woman was sharing her space in my heart without her permission was weighing me down I knew I had to tell her.

One day, I asked what she thought about polyamory. She explained that it was okay for people to express themselves like that if they so wished, but she was happy being monogamous. With that answer, I realised that I had two choices: continue being monogamous with her and continue with a lifetime of fighting my true self or accepting that I was polyamorous and letting the love of my life go. Cheating was not an option because I absolutely despise dishonesty.

Bisola was like an addiction to me. I couldn’t see myself living without her. At the same time, I was exhausted from fighting my desire for other people. So I told her about Annie. I could tell that she was hurt, but she tried to empathise with my plight. She understood how I could be polyamorous, but she just wasn’t fine with being in a polyamorous relationship. I hated the fact that I was making her hurt, but I also knew that I had to be honest with her.

Five Reasons You Shouldn't Try Polyamory | by Anne Shark | P.S. I Love You

We held on in the relationship, but it was never the same again. It seemed like we were both waiting on the other person to make a compromise: she thought I would let go of the whole polyamory idea and I thought maybe she’d come around and see it my way. While we waited, she started to doubt my fidelity —  I would never do anything I couldn’t tell her and I thought she knew that. The existence of Annie became a source of anxiety for her and it took a toll on the relationship. If I wasn’t available to talk, she’d assume it was because I was with Annie. Our fights were getting bigger and toxic. One day, after a fight over the phone, I asked that we take a break. 

With the break, all I wanted was for us to draw a line between our relationship and our friendship, but she thought I meant we should break up. We were apart for one month. Bisola’s sister told me she was not taking the break well so I called it off.

Before then, I’d always tell Bisola about Annie so she didn’t have to deal with anxiety or imagine things, but the honesty wasn’t helping, so I stopped telling her.

Things went fine for a while until she decided to read my chats and found out I was still talking to Annie. I knew that was the end of our relationship. I begged and pleaded on my knees, but I also knew it was unavoidable. 

I hated myself for causing her pain, but I also couldn’t fight who I am. I was crushed that my best friend was leaving me. We cried and held each other before she got up to leave. That was the last time I saw her. She chose her peace of mind and I chose mine. She blocked me everywhere.

My relationship with Annie deteriorated, and we hardly talk.

People often wonder how I could be polyamorous, They ask me if I’m fine with my partner sleeping with other people. All I care about is honesty. If my partner is honest with me, I don’t care who they are sleeping with. I’ve fallen in love a couple of times after Bisola, but I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship again. I don’t know if my polyamory is just a phase, but there’s too much uncertainty for me to commit myself to anybody. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again. I’m very upfront about telling women I meet that I’m not cut out for relationships. It’s their decision whether or not to get involved with me.

I miss Bisola a lot. We are cordial now, but we know that being close friends might not be a great idea. I know that if I drop the idea of polyamory, we might get back together, but that’s not possible. I’ve decided not to enter into any more monogamous relationships. This means no relationships, marriage or kids for me unless I can find partners who are fine with me being polyamorous. I don’t think one single person can be everything for you. In fact, it is unfair to expect them to be. 

QUIZ: What Kind Of Relationship Works For You?

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Olufemi Fadahunsi

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

September 1, 2020

Girlfriends are cute and all, but they’re annoying and they get away with a lot of shit. If you need to spice up your relationship, occasionally do one (or a few) of these things and then watch what happens. P.S. Don’t blame us if she breaks up with you. We are not responsible. 1. Reply […]

November 1, 2020

What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it […]

February 24, 2021

Marriage is a big deal, no doubt. A few months ago, we spoke to a few Nigerian women who regret making the decision to commit their lives to one partner. We spoke with a few Nigerian men about the same issue. Here’s what they had to say. 1. Zayn I didn’t envisage that getting married […]

September 14, 2020

If you live in a Nigerian home, you know that getting a tattoo is rough play. Nigerian parents are very dramatic when it comes to things like that. Your Nigerian father would constantly shake his head in disappointment every time he sees you while your Nigerian mother will scream and say you’ve killed her the […]


Now on Zikoko

June 19, 2021

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who rarely has sex. She talks about almost getting married to an ex boyfriend who betrayed her trust by cheating on her multiple times and how this experience shaped her interest in sex.

June 19, 2021

There are friends you’ve had for years and those you have had for a short while, but how old is your longest friendship? Let’s find out: Relationships can be hard, and sometimes you just need someone to give you a bit of advice. Ask Ozzy is our new advice column where you send Zikoko the […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

November 30, 2019

With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

More from Man Dem

June 17, 2021

Everyone has those small, seemingly minor things that turn them off people, commonly called an “ick”. We spoke to seven men about what their unforgivable, weirdest ick is and they had some hilarious answers. Dave People who are too eager are my biggest icks. Maybe it’s my fear of commitment, but the more someone makes […]

June 13, 2021

What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to […]

June 10, 2021

The story of the 10 Plagues of Egypt you read in the Bible was scary but it didn’t tell of all the plagues. There was one more it failed to mention. No, it’s not COVID-19. It’s women coming to your house and stealing your clothes. The reason why your money is running out is because […]

June 9, 2021

If you’re a Nigerian man, you probably grew up hearing that there are things you shouldn’t talk about because men don’t talk about things like that. Well, we’re here to tell you that they lied. These are six things you should never be afraid to talk about. 1. Our failures Here’s the thing: Everybody fails […]

June 9, 2021

The Twitter ban has affected a lot of people and businesses in different ways. We tend to overlook the impact Twitter has had in various aspects of our lives. One of such aspects is relationships. I spoke to 6 Nigerian men who found love on Twitter. They had such interesting stories. Tosin We had been […]

June 2, 2021

Fat people in Nigeria go through a lot of abuse and degradation from society at large. It seems they get no respite from the constant passive aggression and fatphobia. The male perspective on this topic isn’t often heard, so we talked to 5 men about what it was like to be fat in Nigeria. Tolu […]

June 2, 2021

We don’t hear enough stories about men being heartbroken or dumped even though we all know it happens. Today, we spoke to four Nigerian men on the worst ways they’ve been dumped. Tokunbo, 24. I had this lady, we had been dating for about a year or so. I was still in uni then and […]

May 31, 2021

When most Nigerians hear ‘submissive’ in the context of a relationship, they envision a woman. However, this isn’t always the case. Many men are subs in the bedroom and many have embraced that and are living very happy sex lives. Over the past few weeks, I have spoken to several people I knew who were […]


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.