7 Things You Need To Do When You Start Making Bastard Money

September 2, 2020

As a Nigerian, subtlety shouldn’t be your strongest suit. You need to let people know when you secure the bag. You know how they say money stops nonsense. If you’re not sure how to tastefully do this, let the following suggestions guide you:

1. Hold a stack of cash to your ear every time you take a picture

Make sure it’s dollars. That’s the only acceptable currency.

2. Invest in a bunch of gold chains, rings, and watches

The bling won’t bling itself.

3. This goes without saying, but you can only use Apple products

iPhone X, iWatch and MacBook - freestocks.org - Free stock photo

You know, the trio — an iPhone, a Macbook, and an iWatch. Throw in an airpod for good measure

4. Get yourself a nice British accent to match

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Something befitting of your status, innit?

5. At least once a week, record a Snapchat video showing off your wardrobe

stacey dash closet GIF

I mean, there are necks to be pressed

6. Pretend to be mad when someone complains about the exchange rate

To be honest, though, you can’t relate.

7. Offer to borrow your friends money and forget to collect it back

We rise by lifting others.

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October 22, 2020

Let’s start here: On the 20th of October, 2020, armed men of the Nigerian army allegedly shot at peaceful protesters in the recent #EndSars movement. It is estimated that at least twelve people were killed in Lagos, and hundred more were injured around Nigeria. In light of this unfortunate and avoidable incident, we decided to […]

October 22, 2020

This article contains updates on occurrences related to the general national unrest outside Lagos that you might have missed. We’ll keep updating it. Seyi Makinde addressing protesters in Ibadan The Oyo State Governor took to the streets of Ibadan yesterday to address protesters and the general public and to tell them that peace would return […]

October 22, 2020

Yesterday, Lagos State Governor, Babajide Sanwo-Olu addressed the state following the massacre of innocent civilians at the Lekki toll-gate the previous night. Here’s the speech. After watching him struggle for over seven minutes to deliver his speech, we were able to pick out some of the stuff we couldn’t just stand. See: 1. The lies […]

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Recently, there has been an increasing occurrence of social media accounts broadcasting and spreading fake news. In one instance, a Twitter user posted a photo of Aisha Yesufu, a prominent activist purportedly showing her relaxing in her living room with her husband while #EndSARS protesters are on the streets. The photo was actually of her […]

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The Nigerian military has a well-documented history of killing unarmed civilians. Listed below are five times the Nigerian military has killed unarmed civilians. 1. Baga Massacre, 2013 On 16 April 2013, 200 civilians were killed and over 2,000 houses were destroyed, with many other people injured in the village of Baga, Borno State, Nigeria. Refugees, […]

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If you’re one of those people who like to hide their money from family and friends, then this list is for you: 1) Deflect comments and compliments. Some examples: “Don’t whine me.” “It’s not like that.” 2) Always say “we thank God.” Person: How are things? You: We thank God. Person: How will you buy […]

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