Chances are that you’re a Nigerian if you’re reading this, so subtlety can’t be your greatest suit. You need to let people know when you secure the bag. If you’re not sure how to tastefully do this, let the following suggestions guide you:
1. Start calling famous people by their government name
It’s Wizkid for mere mortals, but for you it’s Ayodeji. Same for Damini, David and the rest of them. Don’t forget to remind people that they are your boys.
2. Hold a stack of cash to your ear every time you take a picture
Make sure it’s dollars. That’s the only acceptable currency. Haters will tell you it’s tacky, but they will be doing the only thing they know how to do — hate. Besides, what do they know about riches, eh?
3. You know this already, but you can only use Apple products
You know, the trio — an iPhone, a Macbook, and an iWatch. Throw in a pair of AirPods for good measure.
4. Get yourself a nice accent to match
Something befitting of your status, innit? It will be hard to be consistent, but we strongly believe in your ability to fake it. No, you’re not bougie, you’re just rich.
5. At least once a week, post a Snapchat video showing off your wardrobe
I mean, there are necks to be pressed. Everyone needs to know that you’re not borrowing the clothes you wear.
6. Pretend to be mad when someone complains about the exchange rate
1 dollar may be >₦500, but you absolutely cannot relate. It’s absolutely rude for anyone to rant about how this is affecting the quality of their life when you’re around. Like, can’t they read the room and realise it’s poor people problems?
7. Offer to borrow your friends money and forget to collect it back
We rise by lifting others. One person no dey do convoy.
8. Most of your conversations should be about crypto
Everything can’t be about the glam life. People will want to know how you’re investing your wealth. So, talk a lot about things like crypto and how you’ve hacked it. Remember, the way you go about this should be absolutely performative. Before you know it, people will sacrifice $500m to have dinner with you to pick your brain. That’s a level only a few people aspire to