If Captain America Had To Survive In Nigeria

April 23, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

We don’t have light in Nigeria, so there’s no way a Nigerian version of Captain America would have been built in a mega laboratory. Who will be fueling gen? 

So, for this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to import Captain America. Would he survive in Nigeria for a day?


The date is June 6, 2021. Captain America is sitting in a large boardroom overlooking the White House. A young man is standing behind him.

A hologram flickers to life and a man appears.

Man: You are needed in Nigeria for a highly-confidential duty. Jack there will give you your flight details. Good luck.

Captain America stands and salutes.


June 7, 2021. 5 A.M.

Captain America lands in Murtala Mohammed Airport, Lagos Nigeria. The airport is dark, dingy and noisy. Ubong, a disgruntled sleep-deprived immigration officer screams.

Ubong: NEXT!

Captain America confidently walks forward and Ubong frowns.

Ubong: This one that you’re walking like it’s you that is Buhari.

Captain America: Sorry about that, mate. Lovely country here.

Ubong: (yawns) Give me passport and visa.

Captain America hands him the required documents.

Ubong: (studies the document) Did you do Covid test?

Captain America: (grins) I can’t fall sick. Don’t worry.

Ubong: Is that what I ask you?

Captain America: No, I didn’t.

Ubong points to the left.

Ubong: Pass that side…. NEXT!

Captain America looks to the left and sees a long queue.

Captain America: Look, I need a faster route. I am on a mission.

Ubong: (scrutinises him) You have dollar there?

Captain America hands him some wads of dollars and Ubong stands.

Ubong: Follow me. 


TOILET – June 7, 2021 7 A.M.

Captain America is laying on the floor, unconscious. Ubong is looking at him fearfully. A woman, Justina enters.

Justina: Why you call me, wetin appun?

Ubong points at Captain America on the floor.

Justina: Wetin you give am?

Ubong raises a syringe.

Ubong: Covid injection.

Justina: From where?

Ubong: Oshodi, under bridge. 

Justina squints at the syringe.

Justina: No be abortion injection be that?

Ubong: say na lie.

Justina: Dem dey sell covid vaccine for underbridge? Na doctor dey sell am?

Ubong: He wear white coat.

Justina: Moturary attendant too dey wear white coat.

Ubong:

Ubong: Oya, epp me wake am.

Justina


June 7, 2021 – 2 PM

Captain America is lying unconscious in a wheelbarrow, on a pile of refuse. A man slowly moves closer to him.

The man crouches next to Captain America. He removes Captain America’s shoes and tucks them under his armpit.

Man: (to himself) This one will be ₦2,500.

He proceeds to remove a knife from his bag and starts cutting through Captain America’s clothes. Captain America wakes up and holds his hand.

Man: Hay! You never die?

Captain America: Who sent you?

Man: Ehn?

Captain America: What are you doing?

Man: Nothing o. I want to remove something.

Captain America: What?

Man: Small kidney.

Captain America pushes him away.

Man: Is not like I want to sell it o…. I just want to use it for work.

Captain America: Where do you work?!

Man: …

Captain America grabs him by the collar.

Man: Okija shrine, sir.


June 7, 2021 – 2:30PM

Captain America is walking down the street. An okadaman zooms past an old woman and snatches her phone.

Old Woman: My phone o!

Captain America notices this and hauls a Mountain of Fire bus at the thief. The bus slams into the thief, stopping him. The bus also knocks down a nepa pole. The pole falls on a nearby betting stall.

A pastor rushes out of a church.

Pastor: Who fling our church bus?! Hold this bag for me. I say who fling our bus!

A middle-aged man shouts.

Man: Who is the mad man that spoilt our nepa pole?

Captain America: There was a robbery!

Man: And what concern nepa pole?

A young woman stares at the demolished betting stall.

Young woman: Hei! My shop!

The old woman walks up to the thief and retrieves her phone.

Old Woman: (to Captain America) You sef, your gra gra is too much.

Captain America: I caught the thief.

Young Woman: Is this one mad? Won’t you repair the shop?!

Just then, a couple of gunshots are heard and Captain America sees a young man running. Captain America chases after him, climbing on different yellow buses.

He jumps down from a bridge and lands on a car. The driver of the car shouts.

Driver: Did they swear for you?!

Captain America: Sorry!

Captain America swings from a nepa pole, knocking it down again. The middle-aged man from earlier screams.

Man: Hope you know that’s where I wanted to tap light from?!

Captain America eventually catches the shooter and knocks him down.

Captain America: Why are you shooting? Who do you work for?

The Shooter: Shoot? Is banger I am throwing.

The shooter raises a stick of knockout. Captain America realises his mistake and everyone looks at him in anger.

Man: You see that what is doing you is madness?


Police Station

June 7, 2021 – 5:27PM

Captain America is sitting across from a policeman. His hands are handcuffed.

Policeman: You’re the one that throw church bus abi?

Captain America: In order to stop a crime… You are welcome.

Policeman:

Policeman: Why did you spoil nepa pole too?

Captain America: I thought someone was shooting.

Policeman:

Captain America: (stands and breaks his handcuffs) I don’t have time for all this.

Policeman: If you move, I shoot.

Captain America takes his gun and bends it.

Policeman: …

Captain America: …

Policeman: …

Captain America: Is there any other thing?

Policeman: Nothing sir.

Captain America starts to walk out.

Policeman: Ehm, you usually do America visa lottery for people, abi?

Captain America walks out.


June 7, 2021 – 6:30PM

Captain America is walking down the road. He sees a woman frying Akara by the roadside and runs to her.

Akara Seller: How much akara you wan buy, Oyinbo?

Captain America: Is that my shield you’re using to fry stuff?

Akara Seller: Pot wey I buy for Aswani?

Captain America: Give me that shield right now!

Akara Seller: If you no vamoose, I go pour you hot water.

A man enters the conversation.

Man: Baba I dey sell DSTV dish, you fit use am.

Captain America:


June 7, 2021 – 9:00 PM

Captain America is sitting in the living room of a mansion. He is totally spent and tired. Dino Melaye walks into the house.

Dino: Captain America! Why did you come late now!

Captain America: There was a slight delay. Please brief me about the mission.

Dino: Good. Is birthday we want to do.

Captain America: …

Dino: We want you to perform. All those things you use to do inside film, do it here.

Captain America: You told me to come so I can perform at a party?

Dino: APC people brought Spiderman, and I want to show them that I am bigger than them. 

Captain America: What?!

Dino: Why are you shouting? Didn’t I pay you people? 

Captain America: We thought you wanted us to fight bad guys.

Dino: Yes, you will help me to beat someone from APC.

Captain: Huh?

Dino: (whispers) Adams Oshiomole.

Captain America: …

Dino: Hold this camera, I quickly want to do something for internet.

Dino gives Capatain America the phone and starts to sing.

Dino: Ajekun Iya ni o je….

Hauwa L

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

May 28, 2021

If God gave Nigerian parents clay to make the perfect daughter, they’d mould a God-fearing woman with six children and a husband she diligently submits to. Now, imagine God ignores their request and, instead, sends them a daughter who isn’t particularly interested in marriage and just wants to fight men all day. Chaos. Well, because […]

May 14, 2021

Spiderman has been seen doing a ton of questionable things on the TL lately — dancing at parties for food, twerking for coins and passing out at nightclubs. We can’t tell if it’s the economy or he took the wrong covid vaccine, but something is seriously wrong with that man. So, inspired by these shenanigans, […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Acne
June 16, 2021

Dealing with acne is never easy. From random people recommending products to you to the self-esteem dip, everyone has their story. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about living with acne.  Khloe, 22  I was 14 the first time I noticed acne on my face. It was my first year in university. I didn’t […]

June 16, 2021

The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 25-year-old Nigerian woman who has travelled to over fifteen countries alone. She talks about how this love for travelling started, the way she’s stigmatised at airports and in hotels, and her dream to attend aviation school. What was growing up like? Life was good until […]

June 15, 2021

As a Nigerian, sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are in the best country in the world. 1) We have delicious suya and kilishi Regulate open grazing? No. Ban Twitter? Yes. Ban Cryptocurrency? Yes. Why? Because Suya and Kilishi >>>>> Technological advancement. It’s quite simple really. 2) “Over raw” best in world rankings […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

More from Just Imagine

May 28, 2021

If God gave Nigerian parents clay to make the perfect daughter, they’d mould a God-fearing woman with six children and a husband she diligently submits to. Now, imagine God ignores their request and, instead, sends them a daughter who isn’t particularly interested in marriage and just wants to fight men all day. Chaos. Well, because […]

May 21, 2021

La Casa De Papel, or Money Heist as it is famously called, was such a fan favorite in Nigeria because, other than the brilliant storyline, one heist or the other happens every day in this country. The economy is a mess, the government wants to double fuel price, and crypto is refusing to get up.  […]

May 14, 2021

Spiderman has been seen doing a ton of questionable things on the TL lately — dancing at parties for food, twerking for coins and passing out at nightclubs. We can’t tell if it’s the economy or he took the wrong covid vaccine, but something is seriously wrong with that man. So, inspired by these shenanigans, […]

May 7, 2021

Twitter went berserk this week after billionaire, Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, called off their 27-year-marriage. Although the divorce appears amicable, we know a Nigerian divorce between billionaires would have been chaotic.  So on this episode of #JustImagine, we created two fictional characters: Belu and Mide.  Belu’s Ikoyi Mansion. Belu is hiding in his […]

April 30, 2021

It is safe to agree that Nigerian politicians were the kings of comedy until Donald Trump entered the game in 2017. And suddenly, we had competition. So in this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to take a break from superheroes and Disney princesses and explore politics. Trump’s Villa In Banana Island. Trump is squinting at a […]

April 23, 2021

We don’t have light in Nigeria, so there’s no way a Nigerian version of Captain America would have been built in a mega laboratory. Who will be fueling gen?  So, for this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to import Captain America. Would he survive in Nigeria for a day? The date is June 6, 2021. […]

April 16, 2021

Everyone knows Nigerian universities are designed to break you. But when you’re the god of thunder, it should be easy, right? On this episode of #JustImagine, we reimagine Thor as a Nigerian student named, Tomiwa. Campus Hostel Bode, Tomiwa’s friend and roommate, is standing outside the hostel addressing a small crowd. The crowd is agitated. […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X