If The Hulk Were Nigerian

June 18, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 


If I had a kobo for every time I heard the phrase, “Nigeria brings out the beast in people,” my Canada relocation funds would be complete, and I’d be shaking my ass on a yacht with Bill Gates.

But all Nigeria gives is frustration.

Now, imagine we had a superhero who turns into a beast every time he gets angry. On this episode of Just Imagine, we turn the Hulk into a Nigerian man called Hakeem.


OFFICE

It is a sunny Monday afternoon and the Hulk – who will now be referred to as Hakeem – is standing outside an office building dressed in a white shirt and brown pants. He is pacing.

He dials a number on his phone.

Hakeem: Where are you now? I ordered this shawarma an hour ago!

Somewhere else in Lagos, a delivery man is sitting under a tree and devouring a sharwama.

Delivery Man: (chews) Hello, oga?

Hakeem: I said where are you?

Delivery Man: (picks his teeth with a finger) Oga, I no dey come again o.

Hakeem: What do you mean you’re no… Are you chewing? Are you eating my lunch?

Delivery Man: Na wetin I wan explain be that. As I reach that Ikeja side, one mad traffic hook me. Hunger con dey wire me. (gulps coke) And if I dey hungry like that I no fit drive. Na im I say make I park and chop this food.

Hakeem: YOU DID WHAT?

Delivery Man: I don say make you no vex now. (belches) Order another one. I swear, I go bring am.

Hakeem ends the call and starts turning green, but his phone starts to ring. It’s his mum.

Hakeem stops. He answers the call.

Hakeem: Mama?

Hakeem’s Mum: Did you wash plate abi you didn’t wash plate before you left this house?

Hakeem: Mama, I am at work! 

Hakeem’s Mum: I don’t know how I will have a child that can’t do…

Hakeem cuts in.

Hakeem: Mama, I have to go. I don’t have time.

A voice in the background whispers.

Voice: (whispers) Ask him!

Hakeem’s Mum: Before you go, your father wants to go to Spain. 

Hakeem: What’s my business?

Hakeem’s Mum: Can you carry him there? With that your power?

Hakeem’s Dad: It’s Barcelona I am going! To watch ball.

Hakeem:

Hakeem’s Mum: And come home fast, we are going to…

Hakeem angrily ends the call and marches inside. As he is walking inside, a car splashes muddy water on his white shirt. Hakeem screams in frustration.


OFFICE

Hakeem’s boss, a middle-aged man named Segun, is sitting in a well-furnished office. A large, distasteful portrait of his head is hanging behind him.

He presses down on a buzzer. Less than a minute later, Hakeem runs inside, but Segun does not acknowledge him. He taps into a laptop for a few seconds before he speaks.

Segun: Hakeem, what time did you come into work today?

Hakeem: 8:15, sir.

Segun: When you’re supposed to come at 8.

Hakeem: It won’t happen again, sir.

Segun: (grunts unimpressed) We want to fire you.

Hakeem: What?

Segun: (looks up) I say we want to fire you!

Hakeem: You’ve not paid me for three months.

Segun: That’s why we want to fire you. We don’t have money.

Hakeem: (angry) So all the work I have put in for three months is what???

Segun: Do you want to be shouting at me? Pack your things and be going!

Hakeem slaps everything on Segun’s table to the floor. Segun’s eyes widen as Hakeem starts to turn green and get bigger.

Segun, terrified, hides under the table.

Hakeem continues to get bigger and bursts through the ceiling. Segun screams.

Segun: My ceiling!

Hakeem smashes the printer in the office.

Segun: I’ve not paid for that printer oh!

Hakeem throws his table out of the window. Hakeem carries his drawer and a pair of briefs  and a bunch of clothes spill out. Hakeem stares at Segun.

Segun: (ashamed) Landlord chased me out so this is where I am sleeping.

Hakeem’s phone starts to ring. He picks it.

Hakeem’s Dad: Ok. I am not going to Spain again, just carry me to Ghana. I’m owing people money here.

Hakeem: Papa, if you call me again I sw…

Segun: That’s your fath..? (shouts) Wo, your money is 1.7 million because your son has spoilt everything in my office!

Gunshots are heard from the other end of the line and Hakeem’s dad screams.

Hakeem’s Dad: TAKE ME TO SOMALIA, HAKEEM!


ALFA’S HOUSE

Hakeem and his mother are sitting in front of an alfa. He is pulling on a rosary as he silently chants some prayers. When he is done, he rubs his face.

Alfa: So you said this is the boy that is always getting angry and turning to devil?

Hakeem’s Mum: Yes, I want you to pray for him, Alfa. All this anger nonsense should stop! Forever!

Alfa: Young man, do you know that anger is the fastest way to hell? Prophet Mohammed said we should control our anger because…

A sound cuts Alfa short and he looks out of the window. A PHCN official is against a pole, disconnecting the electricity. Alfa flies into a rage and starts screaming.

Alfa: Are you people mad?! Have I not paid nepa bill!?

PHCN Official: (shouts) Your bill is N30,000! You paid 2,000!

Alfa: (screams back in anger) Because it is 2,000 light you gave me! How many light did you give me?!

Alfa turns to Hakeem.

Alfa: Turn to devil!!

Hakeem: Are you not the one that sa…

Alfa: I know what I said! Turn to that devil hulk and come beat him for me!

Hakeem:

Alfa looks outside and sees that the man has not moved. He runs out and pelts him with stones.

Hakeem’s Mom: You too go now! You know those people are thieves.

Hakeem: What?

Hakeem’s Mom: Go and fight for Alfa first, after we will go for deliverance somewhere else.


STREET 

Hakeem and his mother are driving home when they are stopped by a policeman.

Policeman: (frowns and points at Hakeem’s mum) Who is this?

Hakeem: My mother.

Policeman: And who are you to him or she or her?

Hakeem:

Policeman: Where are your papers?

Hakeem hands him a bunch of papers and he looks through them, unimpressed.

Policeman: What about the receipt of this car and the receipt of the engine!

He slams his hand on the car.

Hakeem: How will I have that one now?

Policeman: You’re asking me question? You will follow us to station. Get out of that car and enter our blackmaria!

There is a struggle as Hakeem and the policeman argue. He is eventually forced into the blackmaria and he explodes, damaging the vehicle. The roof flies off.

Policeman: Chineke!

The policeman is terrified and almost bursts into tears. His voice shakes.

Policeman: What will I tell them at the station!


BACK HOME

Hakeem walks back to his house but sees that his house has been demolished.

Hakeem: What happened here!?

An old woman comes to stand beside him.

Woman: You know our local government chairman use to experience brain touch? He said he wants to do railway here.

Hulk flies into a rage.

Hakeem: What?

Woman: But they are giving people whose house they demolished 2K at Costain.


COSTAIN

There is a small crowd and the local government chairman is standing on a podium and addressing the people.

Chairman: So, now I will call the names of people we want to give 2K.

He looks into his notebook.

Chairman: Hakeem Olajuwon.

The Chairman holds up a giant cheque with TWO THOUSAND NAIRA written on it and a man painted green walks to the podium.

Hakeem arrives just as the man steps on stage.

Hakeem: Who be dis wan?

He flies into another rage and starts to destroy everything. Chairman hides behind the podium and calls the police.

Chairman: Be coming!

DPO: (annoyed) To where?

Chairman: Costain! One green man is destroying everywhere.

DPO: You’ve seen him too. He is the one that spoil our blackmaria. Abeg I cannot come make someone no go march me.

The man impersonating Hakeem: Oga Chairman, that 2k, I go still fit see am?

Chairman: Why is it mad people that full my constituency?

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Hauwa L

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

May 28, 2021

If God gave Nigerian parents clay to make the perfect daughter, they’d mould a God-fearing woman with six children and a husband she diligently submits to. Now, imagine God ignores their request and, instead, sends them a daughter who isn’t particularly interested in marriage and just wants to fight men all day. Chaos. Well, because […]

May 14, 2021

Spiderman has been seen doing a ton of questionable things on the TL lately — dancing at parties for food, twerking for coins and passing out at nightclubs. We can’t tell if it’s the economy or he took the wrong covid vaccine, but something is seriously wrong with that man. So, inspired by these shenanigans, […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are […]

September 1, 2021

August is over, and here are some of our best quizzes from August. Enjoy: 1. QUIZ: Only Ajebutters Can Get 10/21 On This Quiz Some people like to form ajepako when they’re really ajebutter. Are you one of them? Let’s find out. 2. QUIZ: Sorry, If You’re Under 25 There’s No Way You Can Pass […]

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

More from Just Imagine

August 6, 2021

Two days ago, I asked Nigerians to share what would happen if Nigeria hosted the Olympics and just as I expected, they did not disappoint. Not only did they understand the assignment, they spiral-binded the whole thing and submitted a day in advance. Taking a page from their assignment, I have decided to compile it […]

July 30, 2021

Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji* So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you. It’s another frustrating day in Buhari’s country. Rain water has entered your […]

July 23, 2021

What’s not to love about ATMs? If you just ignore the long queues, bad network, and occasional swallowing of cards, ATMs are a lifesaver.  They do their jobs and let you go about your day. But what if you were stuck in a parallel universe where ATMs could speak? It’s 5 a.m. A young man […]

July 16, 2021

GPS technology is very simple. You input a location, and it gets you to where you need to be. Clear cut and No drama. Except when the GPS is voiced by your Nigerian mother. Heavy sigh. It’s morning and a guy, casually dressed, steps into his Mercedes Benz and turns on the ignition. As the […]

July 9, 2021

Nigerians parents would rather walk into a crocodile-infested river than spend two minutes in a room with a cat. You now bring a woman, who claims to be a cat, to meet your parents? Disaster.  On this episode of #JustImagine, Catwoman meets her Nigerian in-laws and things get very weird. There is a small crowd […]

July 2, 2021

When you take a closer look, Romeo and Juliet is a classic Nigerian story. Boy meets Girl. They fall in love. But their parents refuse to agree to a union due to irreconcilable differences. Sounds familiar? The only part of this story that doesn’t quite gel is the dying part. Nigerian men will say they’d […]

June 25, 2021

Nigerians in A Quiet Place? LMAO. They wouldn’t last two minutes.  For the people who haven’t seen the movie – A Quiet Place, the title is really all there is to it. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where sounds attract blood hungry monsters. So if you are doing anything and you make a […]

June 18, 2021

If I had a kobo for every time I heard the phrase, “Nigeria brings out the beast in people,” my Canada relocation funds would be complete, and I’d be shaking my ass on a yacht with Bill Gates. But all Nigeria gives is frustration. Now, imagine we had a superhero who turns into a beast […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X