How To Survive In A Bad Neighbourhood

August 18, 2019

If there’s anything I’ve learned house hunting in Lagos, it’s that house agents are from hell. They’re a cross between MMM representatives and campus cult recruiters. The best of them will have you believing you’ve signed up for a slice of heaven until that nice 2-bedroom in a spacious compound you found on RentAHouseQuickQuick.com.ng turns out to be the Boys Quarter of the NURTW office in Oshodi.

If you’ve ever ended up in a bad neighbourhood, you can tell the signs as soon as you walk into one. They include, but are not restricted to, people staring so hard you have to peel their eyes off your shirt and return it to them. But things can get worse.

Luckily, I come bearing experience from a place where every middle-aged man is either an alcoholic or an alcoholic. I haven’t quite hacked it yet, but here are a few things I plan to try soon. Let me know how they work for you, yes?

  • Colour Blocking

Wearing certain colours too often is one of the surest ways to get into trouble. So why don’t you just confuse tf out of the cultists on your street and do some colour blocking? Channel your inner 2016 K-Cee and keep it as close to a watercolour tray as possible. The more, the merrier.

  • Employ A Cell of Child Spies

You should borrow a leaf from Pablo Escobar as seen in the Netflix series, Narcos. People tend to overlook the actions of the tiny crackheads also known as kids, meaning they’re perfect lookouts. Start by finding the most badly-behaved children on the street. Pay them in Zlatan and Naira Marley mixtapes to snitch on their older brothers who’ve been eyeing you for months. Everybody wins, not least of all Naira Marley.

  • Go Crazy

Hear me out here. Everyone thinks they’re crazy until they meet someone who’s even more crazy, like an actual mad man. So dress, look and act the part. Cover yourself in temporary tattoos and dress up like what wold happen if the Joker and an actual clown had a baby. Basically, this guy.

  • Offer Yourself Up As Tribute

This is my attempt at reverse psychology. Basically, make it super-easy to be robbed. The catch is that things will be completely within your control; you can decide what gets taken from you. So, pocket that dead ass Tecno phone + 1500 naira and a pack of cigarettes, and walk into the darkest corner of your street. You could even score some cool points. Next thing you know; you’re getting text message alerts telling you in advance before your compound gets robbed. A little heads-up never hurt anybody.

  • Just Move Out

You can’t say you didn’t see this coming.

Did you enjoy this? You should sign up for our weekly pop culture newsletter, Poppin’. You’ll get to know what we’re up to before anyone else + insider gist, reviews, freebies and more. If it sounds like your deal, sign up here.

Segun Akande

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

February 5, 2021

Last year, Netflix finally and officially came to Nigeria. This means they opened a social media account dedicated to Nigerian content on their streaming service and increased their Nigerian content on the service as well as commissioned more Netflix Originals to be made. However, the sheer number of movies and shows on Netflix are overwhelming […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

More from Pop

September 14, 2021

It was yet another Thursday games night on the BBNaija Season 6 show with TECNO and it was a very creative one. As you know, TECNO has been on the Season 6 journey with the housemates since it began and they have not disappointed. With the TECNO Phantom X dolling out incredible pictures of the […]

September 14, 2021

Watching the BBNaija show comes with different stages. You may not notice it, but somehow you go through a complete metamorphosis from the first week you watch the show to the last week when the winner is finally announced. The viewer you were at the beginning of the show is dramatically different from the viewer […]

zikoko - BBnaija party
September 12, 2021

Last night’s BBNaija saturday party was a vibe! The housemates came through with the right energy and they had a good time. We also got served a side of extra plot twists; new ships emerging and old ships entering new relationship stages. If you missed it, here are a few posts that captured the drama. […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X