I’m not proud of everything I’ve done in my rather eventful life. I look back at that time I ran away from a bunch of kids trying to mug me in 2011 and shake my head in regret. There’s also the time I went to a Constitutional Law lecture in a pair of jeans and got the dragging of my life. But none of that comes close to the 2000s; the decade I let peer pressure get the better of me.
The 2000s are iconic for many things; every other person had Y2k fever, and the lyrics to Will Smith’s “Will 2k” were gospel. Good times. Who woulda thunk that barely years later, I’d be rocking corduroy trousers big enough for my entire body to fit in? If you look at the photos of you and your best friends from that era, you’ll get my point better. The 2000s were a dark time, a time when we collectively decided to dress like badly drawn cartoon characters.
Now that street fashion is more popular than ever, and more fashionable people are looking to past decades for inspiration, we must make sure nobody ever decides to bring these fashion fads back.
- Anything With ‘OBEY’ On It
The first time I saw a shirt with “OBEY” written on it, I assumed it was a PSA. Like the United Nations had sponsored a program to get Nigerian children to be more obedient. Then I began to see it on TV, on the backs of people who have never obeyed any instruction in their lives. Man, every young Nigerian male who was alive and had spare cash in the 2000s rocked something with OBEY on it. The ‘OBEY’ clothing line was vital in bringing streetwear to the masses (and our people at Aba did their fair share to help). To be fair, their designs are pretty cool. Nah, they’re not. I’ve seen enough OBEY for 60 lifetimes.
- Boot Cut Trousers
What do you know about walking around in trousers that feel like they’re hiding an entire village and its citizens. From time, trouser cuts have been the first casualties of fashion trends. So I reckon people were excited when the boot-cut thing (or bell bottoms, as some call them) showed up. They shouldn’t have. Except that you’re trying to smuggle your extended family into another country, there’s no alternate reality where these trousers make sense. Imagine walking and waiting for the bottom half of your trousers to catch up with you. There’s also the part where the trousers would swallow your shoes, with no regard for how much you spent on them. Never Again.
- Supra Hightops
Christ. These ‘sneakers’, which was the ruse they were sold under, look like what happened if Wall-E spent too much personal time with a leather ball. Yet everybody I knew, boys and girls wanted to rock a pair in 2008. Supra fever was so intense that it was tied to dance moves like the Dougie and an entire batch of baby-faced rappers. To be fair, they stood out; a pair of Supras look like Optimus Prime is hugging your feet with your trousers all scrunched near your knee. Hightops aren’t bad; a nice pair of 23s will prove this point. Supras just don’t work.
- That Shirt & Sweater/Waistcoat Combo
Yes, Bayo. I know you’ve seen all those interviews of Jeff Bezos where he’s stylishly decked in a dress shirt and a nice sweater. I know you want to be like Bezos. I wanted to be a young, hip billionaire too. So I let my friends convince me to dress the part – by wearing waistcoats over dress shirts in the midday sunshine, with a patriotic ‘Nigeria’ pin for effect. Guess who’s still poor? Me. Certain philistines still dress like this, but we must raise awareness and kill this virus before it overwhelms the entire population.
- Multicoloured Snapbacks
I blame Wizkid and “Holla At Your Boy”. You see, when a young, talented singer who’s supposedly in his teens shows up and grabs all the (ladies’) attention, it’s only understandable that every potential baby boy wants to look like him. Hats, or face caps as they are also known, had been a thing long before Wiz. But when he began to show up everywhere in snapbacks of varying colours, the mandem followed suit. Then, unimaginative Nigerians began making theirs, complete with meaningless terms like “SWAGGER” embossed in hideous colours. Snapbacks are still a part of popular culture, as Wizkid will show you any day. But the 2000s were a dark time we must never return to.
No matter what you do, you just can’t beat this one. It’s trying to live forever.
- Colour Blocking
Want to see what a person looks like when they manage an outfit that combines all 9 primary colours? To be fair, you’ve probably seen it already. Colour blocking is essentially a display of graphic design. People rock items of very different colours, supposedly to create a diverse visually-pleasing palette. What I see is pure, unadulterated confusion.
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