Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today I will be recapping the super chaotic 2008 Nollywood movie, “Beyonce & Rihanna”
Get a load of those outfits. The insane 2000s fashion energy is strong with this one.
The drugs going around Nollywood in 2008 must’ve been cheap as hell because a movie executive most likely in the middle of a three-day-long cocaine bender sat down and decided to make FOUR movies about the ‘Beyonce and Rihanna fighting over Jay Z‘ rumours. I hope that that movie executive eventually went to rehab and got the help they needed but I’m also grateful to them for creating the batshit franchise that is “Beyonce & Rihanna.”
The movie starts with Jay (Jim Iyke), a music producer auditioning two female singers in his home. His girlfriend, Bernice (Nadia Buari), shows up looking like a Mount Zion movie university cult member and throws the girls out because she believes they have plans to sleep with Jay.
Bernice is terrified that Jay is going to cheat on her with one (or all) of the many aspiring female singers who throw themselves at him for a chance at a record deal. So she decides to move into his house to keep a closer eye on him. Her father doesn’t like the idea of her going to live with a man she’s not married to and Bernice claims it’s because she needs proper space to practice for a singing competition she’s currently in. Her father has this to say about her reasons:
Bernice’s father orders her not to leave the house but she does anyway so he promptly disowns her. She drives to Jay’s house and forcefully moves in. Jay doesn’t want this but also doesn’t want Bernice’s wahala so he just lets her go in and is like:
We’re introduced to Rhyme (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde) in the next scene when she mistakenly hits Bernice with her car. When Bernice sees that it’s Rhyme that’s hit her, she has a flashback to their days in uni when she lost a singing competition to Rhyme. She also remembers that she’s up against Rhyme in the singing competition she’s currently in. Filled with rage, she angrily accuses Rhyme of trying to kill her. Rhyme explains that it was an accident but Bernice isn’t listening. She steals Rhyme’s car and drives off grand theft auto style. Rhyme is left standing at the side of the road like:
When Jay finds out what Bernice has done, he returns Rhyme’s car to her. While talking, they exchange subtle glances that seem to say:
But nothing happens and they go their separate ways. It’s established that Rhyme is the level-headed one and Bernice is insecure and noisy. For like one hour, the movie is just a montage of Bernice and Rhyme running into each other at random places and bickering. At some point, they book the same rehearsal space and get into a physical fight over it, causing Rhyme to beat Bernice’s ass.
When two of the judges in the singing competition both girls are in start asking the contestants to sleep with them in exchange for getting ahead in the competition (threatening the ones who turn them down with elimination)…
…Bernice and Rhyme have to work together to take them down. Rhyme thinks this means that she and Bernice will finally be on good terms, but Bernice is like:
With the evil, horny competition judges vanquished, Bernice and Rhymes make it into the semi-finals and qualify for the finals. This competition’s prize money is $100,000 so you would think that a show put together by people with that kind of money would look super fancy, yeah? Well, take a look at this:
Pictured above: The venue of a singing competition with prize money of $100,000.
Jay tries to sign Rhyme to his record label and Bernice loses her entire shit when she finds out. When Jay asks Bernice why the hell she’s so pressed by Rhyme’s existence, Bernice reveals that long before Rhyme beat her in their first competition, Rhyme stole her boyfriend. We’re shown a flashback that features both actresses in two insane wigs.
Jay tells Bernice he’s sorry that happened to her but that he’s only interested in Rhyme’s talent. Upset, Bernice goes to harass Rhymes at a place that’s supposed to be a restaurant but is clearly a corner of the dining area in someone’s house.
In the next scene, Jay just shows up at Rhyme’s house and creepily demands to watch her rehearse. Rhyme is in the middle of telling him to fuck off when he grabs her face and does this:
When he’s done sucking her face, Rhyme is like:
Then Jay leaves.
Meanwhile, Bernice has been downing dozens of energy drinks to keep up with her vigorous dance rehearsals that we never see, and it eventually takes a toll on her. She keeps passing out every few minutes like Jean in the 90s X-Men cartoon. A doctor says that the energy drinks are “weakening her nerves” and that she not only needs to stop drinking them, but she also needs to abstain from strenuous activity for the next two weeks. Bernice doesn’t listen and ends up back in the hospital again a few days later. She misses the competition’s finals and Rhyme wins the $100,000.
Jay breaks into Rhyme’s house a couple of times trying to convince her to date him but each time she says no. Eventually, she caves.
And that’s all it takes for Rhyme to change her mind.
Omo, things become even more chaotic from here. Jay and Rhyme start dating even though Bernice still lives in his house. Bernice snaps and hires boys to beat Rhyme up. For some reason, Jay throws a birthday party for Bernice and Rhyme crashes it to announce that she and Jay are getting married. Jay knows nothing about this and it causes a group fight at the party. Jay keeps entertaining both women and Rhyme is furious so she decides to move into the house to “keep her eye on her man.” The movie turns into a “The Boy Is Mine” situation with Bernice and Rhyme fighting over who gets to sleep in Jay’s bedroom. Every time they fight, Jay does nothing.
Even worse, it’s made clear that he has sex with both of them at different times through all this.
During one of their fights, Jay is hit over the head with a bottle and is knocked unconscious. Rhyme hires boys to beat up Bernice. She takes the games further by tying Bernice to a chair and dropping her in the middle of the street at night. Jay gets tired of all the fighting and kicks both girls out of the house.
Yet another singing competition comes up and the girls decide that whoever wins it gets Jay. Jay has no input in this whatsoever. This new competition has a cash prize of $200,000. Please look at the stage:
While Bernice and Rhyme are battling for Jay’s heart on stage, Jay is outside exchanging saliva with some random woman.
I’m not even kidding.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
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