Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Yes, I attended THAT moaning competition so I could recap it.
It’s been almost 24 hours and I still feel dirty because of the things I heard.
15th of October, 2021.
The time is 10 pm. My coworker and homegirl, Martha, texts me this on WhatsApp:
I was confused as hell.
You see, I had been off Twitter all day so I had no idea a moaning competition was even happening. I go digging for backstory and find this:
The owner of the account even posted a picture of the prize vibrator.
That is…one hell of a fake penis.
I almost turn down Martha’s suggestion to recap it for “So You Don’t Have To” because I don’t think anyone would put themselves out there like that for just a vibrator. Also, I don’t think many people will attend because when a version of this took place on Clubhouse in 2020, the commentary on Twitter made it seem like being a part of such a thing, regardless of what role you play, is cringe.
Then I think to myself, “This is happening on Twitter Spaces. It won’t hurt to just pop in and observe for a bit.” I decide to not use my main account to join because Twitter informs your followers when you join a Space and I don’t want people to brand me as some kind of Igbo perv. I fire up my burner account and join the Space with that.
The number of people I meet in there, makes me go:
There are over 8000 listeners present and counting!
People are pouring in so fast, the host’s Twitter app starts hanging. She suggests moving the event to another app and after some deliberation, settles on Clubhouse. Many people don’t mind. A few people are not here for the virtual venue change.
Before I can get myself together to join on Clubhouse, the host has moved it back to Twitter Spaces. Why? Too many people joined the Clubhouse room and it kept crashing. This one guy is pissed.
Now, it’s no longer being hosted by the girl behind orgasm.ng’s Twitter account. I think all that activity destroyed her app or something. It’s some other guy’s account now. He’s the one moving proceedings along.
I’m just chilling in there with my burner like:
There are now over 10,000 listeners in the Space.
The host is having a hard time managing things because his Twitter keeps glitching. A few minutes pass and nothing happens. Some guy takes the mic and asks the host to hurry up because it’s late and he has other things to do. This kills me because no one is forcing him to be there. Another guy comes on to say that he may or may not already have his dick in his hands so he doesn’t want to hear men join the competition. This annoys me because it’s a classic case of cisgender heterosexual men thinking everything should cater to them.
As all this is happening, there are people on the timeline judging everyone that’s tuned in for the first-ever Moan Olympics. Here’s one of them concluding that a few thousand people coming together to enjoy themselves is the reason why Nigeria is falling apart.
And I’m just like:
Some girl says she wants to kick off the show with her sick moaning skills. When they give her the mic, she starts giggling and says she can’t moan. This girl clearly thinks we’re here to play so she gets kicked out immediately. Another girl officially kicks off the event with 20 seconds of moaning. You can tell that she’s doing her best but unfortunately, her moaning sounds like she’s sighing after a hard day’s work of lifting bricks at a construction site.
She gets props (and some money donated by a generous listener) for breaking the ice. Another girl comes on and moans like she’s having sex in her family house and is trying to be quiet so her entire extended family won’t hear.
This is me in my corner of the Space as she’s moaning:
There are now over 13,000 listeners in the Space.
An anonymous donor drops ₦100,000 as part of the prizes. Now that the prize is way more than a vibrator, guys are scrambling willing to come on. Like 4 guys come on and each one is more disappointing the last. There’s one guy who makes me laugh sha. He throws in Yoruba dirty talk and not even as a joke. It’s giving this:
The first girl says she used her fingers and a vibrator to elevate her moaning performance. The host asks her to explain her process in detail but she says that’ll cost them more money. I stan a smart money woman. People are rating the moans in the comments ,throwing up the 💯 emoji for the ones they enjoy. A girl named Skushies comes and starts moaning like white woman in a porn video. People are living for it.
There are now over 16,000 listeners in the Space.
Someone pities the first guy who moaned and gives him ₦5000. He’s so excited. A girl comes on to moan but starts talking about ENDSARS instead. She gets kicked out. A girl named Bunnie comes on and starts moaning intensely and you can hear vigorous slapping sounds in the background. Her moans are more like whispers and I imagine that this is what Nicole Kidman’s character in “Big Little Lies” would sound like during sex. People are LOVING it. I am too because I am getting my entire life. 10s across the board, baby!
A guy comes on and gives it his best but sounds like he’s either taking a particularly strong shit or getting head from someone using too much teeth. A girl named Lady Revulva comes on. I’m doubling over, cackling at her funny ass name when she launches into her moan-ologue and blows everyone away. She’s doing an amazing job! She’s giving dirty talk AND storyline! Wait. She just choked on something! I hear gagging! SKDHJFJKSHFKJDSHFK!
Me, during Lady Revulva’s performance.
There are now over 18,000 listeners in the Space!
I can’t get over how many people are in here. I feel stupid that I used a burner to do this because there are so many people I recognise from the TL in here, with their verified accounts and all. Prize money keeps flying about for the Moana-s. The host puts up a poll so people can vote for their favourite Moaning Queen. A guy named David donates ₦50,000 and asks Lady Revulva, Skushies, and Bunnie to moan for it. Note that this is separate from the overall challenge for ₦100,000. Here are my notes from this round:
“Revulva goes first and she is serving, hunty! She is giving the audience everything they want! Gagging, spitting, gluck-glucking. Oh, she’s taking it. Skushies goes next. She seems jealous of the attention Revulva is getting. She gets going, starts softly and throws in sound effects. I can hear wet slapping and it’s making me scared. I hear a gushing sound now??? WOW. It sounds like a busted pipe! The host had to stop her but he seems super impressed. Bunnie is up. She starts slow and builds up to a crescendo and screams loudly. What follows is a loud gushing sound and then total silence. Everyone is confused. No one knows what’s happened to Bunnie. After a few minutes, she comes back online and explains that she squirted so hard, the vagina water knocked the phone out of her, muting her mic in the process. Everyone is stunned. People are losing their minds on the TL.”
They set the poll for this round and Skushies wins. The host starts doing ads for people who’ve paid him money to advertise for them. One woman advertises her food service and I die laughing because it’s such a funny place to advertise food but also genius. Someone has the host play their song. The entire event starts giving radio show realness and I become tired. I glance at the clock and see that it’s 12:45 am. Damn. I’ve been at this for 2 hours and 45 minutes now. The host starts talking about another around and I decide right then that:
And with that, I fall asleep.
I wake up the next morning to find that more drama transpired while I slept. Skushies didn’t get some of her prize money and she was pissed.
The tweet she quoted (that has now been deleted) was by the host.
Martha gists me later that when the time came for Skushies to get some of her prize money, the host said it it was $100 and not ₦100,000. Even funnier, here’s how the story of the $100 ends:
If you’re wondering who won the overall challenge and left with the ₦100k and vibrator, it’s Bunnie.
I agree. She was my favourite.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
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