I Joined The Facebook Group, “Christian Mothers Against Masturbation” So You Don’t Have To

March 5, 2021

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Facebook really is the Pandora’s box of social media websites.

First of all, I want to say thank you to all the awesome people on Twitter who like “So You Don’t Have To” enough to send me potential series fodder. You guys help me keep this insane series running and I would french-kiss every single one of you in gratitude if I could.

Me, vacuuming your tonsils with my tongue, one by one.

So my homeboy and resident Zikoko mad person, Kunle, put me on to this tweet.

And because I like hot garbage, I figured I’d get in my 007 bag and join the group to bring you guys their gist. I thought the group would be private so I had already crafted the persona I would use to get in using my burner Facebook account.

Yes. I have a burner Facebook account.

This was going to be my message to the page’s admin.

“Good afternoon, ma. My name is Jonathan. I’m a man looking to rid myself of the demon who makes me beat my meat every chance I get. I thought getting rid of all my lube would help but that just made me jerk off dry. The friction almost started a fire and now my dick looks like raw meat. Please let me into this group!”

However, turns out the page is open. So I just strolled in and got the info I needed.

The group was created in 2014 by a group of Christian mothers with the aim of making the world a better place for their children.

Imagine being a 5-year-old asking your mum to read you a bedtime story and then she whips out her bible to read you the story of how God struck a man dead for refusing to impregnate his dead brother’s wife.

Even weirder than their mission is the way they spread their message. In attempt to connect with their target audience (the youth), they post weird memes that they think support their cause but really don’t. It makes it seem like the admins of the page are trying to do this:

How do you do, fellow kids' has become the 'how do you do, fellow kids' of  memes - The Verge

I scrolled down their page and compiled a list of their (unintentionally) funny posts. You’re welcome.

This gem.

This tweet was made by a famous American Twitter comedian. I’m blown away that that fact didn’t let the admins of this page know that this was a joke.

This isn’t even true.

If this was a ladder — like in the famous Agnes Iro song, “Follow The Ladder” — needing both your hands would make sense. What’s in this picture is a flight of stairs. You only need your legs.

Danny is going through it.

In what decade did teenagers talk like this??

This is more about the dangers of meth than anything else really.

To be engulfed in the throes of masturbation while still having the strength to fight off 15 people is enough reason for the police to have recruited him.

The more you know.

If you have sex with women and the devil has never appeared in the corner of your room mid-coitus, that means you don’t know where the clit is. And to that I say, LMAO.


This was the post that made me think that the admins are trolling people. “We can beat it together”?! Could a joke be more obvious??

Kings. Don’t forget to ask the important questions before wifing her.

Don’t just ask if she knows how to do the gluck gluck 3000. Also, ask if she’s ever gone spelunking in her sin cave.



Did they have to use nuns to illustrate this??

The people who run this page believe unnecessary ejaculation is a sin and is tantamount to abortion. I guess that episode of Family Guy where Stewie meets his unborn brother, Bertram, in Peter’s testicles was scientifically accurate.

This image is going to haunt my dreams forever.

Why is the guy wanking on the beach in broad daylight? Why is he right in front of the ocean like he’s trying to flash passing mermaids? The look on that drawing of God’s face. LMAO.

Last but not the least, I present to you, the group’s profile picture.

You guys. I need to go lie down. This entire thing has made me dizzy.

don't follow (@inspiredbyworId) | Twitter

See y’all next week.

I Read “My Book Of Bible Stories” So You Don’t Have To

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this


Now on Zikoko

Thick thigh problems
June 16, 2021

Thick thighs save lives started as a body-positive slogan, and while it has made people a lot more confident about their bodies, it’s not all rainbows. We’ve highlighted a few thick thigh struggles in this article. 1. Your jeans always get ripped You’ve long realized that you can never have a favourite pair of jeans […]

June 16, 2021

Dealing with acne is never easy. From random people recommending products to you to the self-esteem dip, everyone has their story. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about living with acne.  Khloe, 22  I was 14 the first time I noticed acne on my face. It was my first year in university. I didn’t […]

June 16, 2021

The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 25-year-old Nigerian woman who has travelled to over fifteen countries alone. She talks about how this love for travelling started, the way she’s stigmatised at airports and in hotels, and her dream to attend aviation school. What was growing up like? Life was good until […]

June 15, 2021

As a Nigerian, sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are in the best country in the world. 1) We have delicious suya and kilishi Regulate open grazing? No. Ban Twitter? Yes. Ban Cryptocurrency? Yes. Why? Because Suya and Kilishi >>>>> Technological advancement. It’s quite simple really. 2) “Over raw” best in world rankings […]

Recommended Quizzes

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

November 19, 2019

Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out: 11 Quizzes For The […]

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

More from So You Don't Have To


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.