I Read One Of Those Old Text Message Books So You Don’t Have To

November 20, 2020

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be going through a couple of those text message books that were super popular in the early 2000s and highlighting the most insane texts I find.

But first:

For people who were too young when these books were a thing.

Back in the early 2000s, when cellphones were new in Nigeria, some people saw Nigeria’s growing obsession with text messaging as a way to make money. So they began making these text compilation books, filled with texts they got from the internet. Because the internet wasn’t as easily accessible then as it is now, these books sold like wildfire.

The texts were always grouped into categories (Love, Friendship etc) and titled in a weird way. Like someone in the throes of a fever dream just threw words together.

“Good morning, sir. I want to buy HOT, FRESH, AND NEW POWERFUL EMOTIONAL TEXT MESSAGES.”

Even weirder was how 90% of these books had Nollywood actresses on their covers for some reason.

Can you imagine being a popping actress in the early 2000s just trying to get to the set of your 6th movie in 1 week and then you see yourself on the cover of FRIENDSHIP GSM TEXT VMOBILE MTN GLO MESSAGES VOLUME 4?

Anyway, I found a couple of these that belonged to my sister and after going through them, realised they would make a great entry in the “So You Don’t Have To” series. I’ll pick 4 texts from 4 categories. Because these are hard copies, there will be no screenshots.

Let’s get into it.

“If I hav a heart attack, den dat’s all bcuz of u. Cuz u r in my heart wit anoda heart dat is ur heart, which is striking my heart and saying I LOVE U!”

Whoever wrote this either lacks knowledge of basic human anatomy or this was their attempt at body horror. Either way, I’m bothered by it.

“I wish I cud break my ribs 2 make a pen, cut my skin 2 make a paper, take out my blood 2 make ink just 2 write I miss u. 100% love u.”

This person must’ve read King Solomon’s Mines way too many times because what the fuck is this shit? NONE of this is necessary. Jesus.

“The way u look into my eyes, it scares me, The way u say I Luv U, it scares me. The way u know just what to say, it scares me. The way U scare me, I luv it.”

This is the ideal romantic text for when you’re dating a biblically accurate angel.

“If u r in a dark room, you find blood everywhere and the walls are shaking, don’t worry, dear. U r at the safest place. U r inside my heart.”

Girl, what the fuck??

“I’m sending you 3 little hearts 2 remind u of 3 things, I’m HERE, I CARE, and I MISS U!”

Do those hearts come with some fava beans and a nice Chianti? I see you, Hannibal Lecter.

“No one is 2 young for love bcos love doesn’t cum from ur mind, which knows ur age but from ur heart, which knows no age.”

Is it just me or does this sound like pedophile propaganda?

“I’m going to write on all the bricks I MISS U and I wish that one falls on ur head, so that u know how it hurts when u miss someone special.”

You might as well just break into their house and bash their head in with a blunt object until they get it.

“I’m sick. I can’t breathe properly since u’ve gone. Coz u r not my love ur my breath. I don’t want to die, please please please, please, come back soon and save me. MISSSSSSSSSSS u a LOTTTTTTTTTTTT.”

Anyone that sends you shit like this is capable of that “If I can’t have you, no one can” shit. You in danger, girl.

“I know it’s ur birthday 2day…I am sure u’ll give me a big treat in a hotel…so I shall talk 2 you in person there, coz I want 2 express my feelings in SMS.”

Uh…WHAT?

“The museum curator called today and spoke in animated tones. He has a team of scientists who want to carbon date your bones. Happy Birthday.”

Ok. This is just fucking rude.

“Today is a day of celebration. Why? XX years ago on the same day, GOD sent my flesh and bone conscience. Wishing my friendly inner voice a very happy b-day. Hugs & Kisses.”

This is the text Pinocchio sends Jiminy on his birthday every year.

“This day, when the most beautiful female MIND was born, is my most beautiful day. Luv and Long live.”

……………………………..???

“Always start your day with a lot of SEX. S(mile) E(nergy) X(citement). So make SEX a daily habit and u’ll always B SUCSEXFUL in LIFE!”

I DEMAND A RESTRAINING ORDER, YOUR HONOUR!!!

“Last nite, I wanted u, needed u so badly dat it hurt. Wanted 2 taste u. I wanted u un me so u could work your magic on me…but I cudn’t find u…u stupid…PARACETAMOL.”

*heavy igbo sigh*

“In case of fire, read this message…I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

Ok. This one made me laugh a bit.

“Just go to hell. Yes U only! Bcos only you can change hell into heaven by ur sweetness.”

You know what? These messages are giving me whiplash. I’m done.

See you next week.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie, ‘End of the Wicked’ So You Don’t Have To

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


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