Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today I’ll be recapping the 2000 Nollywood horror movie, ‘Last Burial’.
The movie starts with the main character, Ogbuefi (Clem Ohameze), being initiated into the Brotherhood of Knights in the catholic church he attends. After the ceremony, two of his fellow knights come outside to congratulate him. They’re all dressed like the dancing Ghanaian pallbearers so I really can’t take anything they’re saying seriously.
For those who don’t know, “Astronomia” is the name of the song the pallbearers dance to in the meme. You’re welcome.
In the next scene, Ogbuefi is saying night prayers with his family. When they’re done, he kisses them all before bed. All this makes me think that Ogbuefi is a nice, God-fearing man. But I’m proven wrong when, as soon as his family turns in for the night, two barefoot men dressed like Christ Embassy choristers on Valentine’s day appear in his living room to tell him that his time is up.
This is where we find out that Ogbuefi is in a cult and he do usually do money ritual. The conversation he has with these men (other members of his cult) lets us know that he sold his soul for riches and was given a specific number of years to live.
The next day, Ogbuefi goes about putting his affairs in order. He goes to his village and gives the village reverend father ₦400,000 cash in a cardboard box.
Remember that this is the year 2000. ₦500 and ₦1000 notes didn’t exist yet so there’s no fucking way ₦400,000 naira fit in that small box. Also, does that mean he drove from Lagos to the village with a box of money sitting in the passenger’s seat?? So many questions.
He then visits the village chief to donate ₦500,000 to the village’s borehole fund:
Notice how he gave the chief a cheque but gave the priest a carton of cash instead? WHAT WAS THE REASON??
After this, he attends his cult’s next meeting to ask for more time but they tell him no because the patron demon of their cult, Shankiki, doesn’t do life extension policies. As soon as the name, Shankiki, is mentioned, I die laughing because it brings this character to mind:
All my “Martin” fans in the house make some noise!
Ogbuefi instructs his wife, Susan, (Eucharia Anunobi Eku), to withdraw all the money in their account and take it to a pastor to pray on it. When Susan, who doesn’t know about the source of Ogbuefi’s wealth, asks why, he refuses to tell. She screams at him for an explanation and in an attempt to scream back, he has a heart attack and dies.
Wahala starts when the time comes to bury Ogbuefi’s body. Ogbuefi’s brother, Nnado, who is also a member of the cult, reveals Ogbuefi’s occult activities to Susan. Susan is still reeling from this revelation when he drops another bombshell on her.
But because she’s always dreamed of giving her husband a Christian burial or whatever, Susan is like:
And so begins the battle between Susan (backed by the church) and the Shankiki cult for Ogbuefi’s body. On the way to bury the body at the church in the village, one of the cult members pours supernatural glue on the road so the pallbearers carrying Ogbuefi’s body can’t move.
🎵If it’s up, then it’s up, then it’s up, then it’s stuck🎵
The priest tries to undo the spell with priestly magic but it backfires and he gets knocked on his ass. He instructs Susan to take Ogbuefi’s body back home. This is what they want so the cult members are happy.
A lot weird stuff happens after they take Ogbuefi’s body to his house. One of Ogbuefi’s relatives (played by Chinwetel Agu) tries to stop the Shankiki cult from coming in with a shot gun but they neutralise him and the gun with a red handkerchief.
Then some jazz man with leaves ties around his head shows up from nowhere and challenges the cult to a spiritual fight so they get upset and turn him into a midget.
The entire thing is super chaotic and slightly out of pocket but I AM LIVING FOR IT.
It turns out that to successfully bury one of their own, the cult members have to eat the deceased’s heart or they will all die. However, the person has to hand over their heart themself so they have to briefly resurrect Ogbuefi to achieve this. In the middle of the ritual, the priest runs in and is like…
…when he see this:
The priest tries to fight them using a crucifix but it doesn’t work because they’re not vampires. They proceed to spiritually whoop his ass.
It’s not until he’s almost dead that his priestly powers kick in. He screams…
…and the power of God throws the entire cult into disarray.
After the supernatural throwdown, the priest leaves the house and starts going home. When Susan asks what they’re going to do about Ogbuefi’s corpse, which is now sitting upright in his coffin in the middle of his living room, the priest says:
Several weeks pass and Ogbuefi’s corpse is still sitting upright in his coffin because his soul is trapped between life and death. No one agrees to go near him because his eyes are wide open and it’s creepy. No one agrees to touch him because even though he’s awake, he’s technically still a corpse and it’s gross. Since the spiritual fight that took place at what was supposed to be the burial, the village church has decided to exclude itself from the narrative.
Meanwhile, the cult has decided that since they can’t have Ogbuefi’s heart, his son’s own will suffice. They try to attack the boy several times but are never able to harm him because he has an angel inside him.
Eventually, the church agrees to help. The priest has a rematch with the cult members and defeats them quickly this time because his confidence has grown or whatever. Ogbuefi’s body finally lies down to nap for eternity.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
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