I Went Through Popular Illuminati Conspiracy Theories So You Don’t Have To

January 29, 2021

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

The year is 2009. It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re using the 10MB MTN gave you after loading N100 credit to browse Facebook on your Nokia Xpress Music phone. Rick Dees is counting away the hits on the radio and the song “Judas” by that new pop girl, Lady Gaga, comes on. You’re nodding your head to the beat and singing along when you gasp and stop because you realise that you sang the line that goes:

Now you’re spiralling because according to the guy that runs the VigilantCitzen website, Lady Gaga is an industry pawn sent by Baphomet to collect souls with her music and you’ve pledged your allegiance to him by singing that line.

chineke-god | Zikoko!

Life is fucking awful.

I was on Twitter the other day when I came across this video:

For those who didn’t watch the video because they don’t have data or just don’t like hearing word, the girl in it talks about how superstar singers like Beyonce have sold their soul to the devil to attain fame. Then she proceeds to play Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” played backwards, claims that she could hear some of the following lines in the gibberish:

“Now he made it in. He wish to infest. Living scared. The world will bow to Lucifer. The world will not have fun. The world will bow to me. People’s tears fall.”

This reminded me of when a lot of Nigerians (me included) were OBSESSED with Illuminati conspiracy theories and which artists’ songs could earn you a one-way ticket to the realm of eternal hot girl summer. So I decided to take us all on a cringe-worthy trip down memory lane by listing out the most popular ones.

1) When they said this sign was a fancy way of flashing the number of the beast (666).

I remember how I would froth at the mouth with a mix of fear and excitement whenever any famous person would do this. All because the bastard that put together that wildly inaccurate conspiracy theory video series titled “The Arrivals” claimed that it was a way famous people used to show that they were down with the prince of darkness.

2) When they said we shouldn’t listen to Chris Brown’s “Fallen Angel” because it’s supposedly about Lucifer.

I’m going to leave this one up to you guys. Listen to the lyrics and tell me what you think in the comments.

This isn’t the real video btw. Just a compilation of clips from different Christ Brown videos.

3) When they accused Obama of being the Antichrist.

It was all fun and games until the conspiracy theories surrounding Obama’s citizenship status took a turn for the supernatural and he was accused of hailing from down under (and I don’t mean Australia). This was so popular that if you typed in “Is Obama…” Google would complete it with “…the antichrist” or “reincarnated Adolf Hitler.”

4) When they accused Beyonce of giving birth to the antichrist in 2012.

Blue Ivy hadn’t fully formed in her mother’s womb when some people on the internet began referring to her as the literal spawn of Satan. They cited her mother’s superstar status and the secrecy surrounding her birth as proof.

Blue Ivy is 9 years old now and I can’t wait until she kickstarts the great tribulation and enslaves mankind for 7 years.

5) When they accused Don Jazzy and the entire MAVIN crew of initiating Nigerians into a cult with their 2014 hit song, “Dorobucci.”

“Is Don Jazzy’s Dorobucci An Occultic Song?” – Pulse

I mean, the song was a jam but people using “Doro” as a prefix to everything was annoying as hell. I would totally understand if someone made up this rumour so people would leave the song alone.

6) Finally, when they accused a ton of important people around the world of being humanoid reptilian aliens.

David Icke — the man who originated this conspiracy theory — has been described by many people as a professional theorist.

I don’t have any thing to say about that. I just think it’s fucking hilarious.

Here’s some of the stuff David Icke believes:

I mean, when you take into account the fact that Queen Elizabeth has been alive for 200 years one might wonder if she isn’t secretly related to Dr Curt Connors.

Now that we’ve gotten to the end of this, it’s time for YOU to sit quietly and cringe to death as you remember all the times you tried to tell people, unprovoked, that Rihanna got impregnated by the devil in the music video for “Umbrella” or that the real Beyonce died on the set of “Crazy In Love” and was replaced by Sasha Fierce.


Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this


Now on Zikoko

June 16, 2021

Dealing with acne is never easy. From random people recommending products to you to the self-esteem dip, everyone has their story. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about living with acne.  Khloe, 22  I was 14 the first time I noticed acne on my face. It was my first year in university. I didn’t […]

June 16, 2021

The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 25-year-old Nigerian woman who has travelled to over fifteen countries alone. She talks about how this love for travelling started, the way she’s stigmatised at airports and in hotels, and her dream to attend aviation school. What was growing up like? Life was good until […]

June 15, 2021

As a Nigerian, sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are in the best country in the world. 1) We have delicious suya and kilishi Regulate open grazing? No. Ban Twitter? Yes. Ban Cryptocurrency? Yes. Why? Because Suya and Kilishi >>>>> Technological advancement. It’s quite simple really. 2) “Over raw” best in world rankings […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

More from So You Don't Have To


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.