I Read “My Book Of Bible Stories” So You Don’t Have To

February 26, 2021

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

The book that taught an entire generation of children that every biblical character was white.

“My Book Of Bible Stories” was super popular when I was a kid. In primary school, my friends and I would go through the book solemnly learning important biblical life lessons. Then we would get to the end, close the book, and go forth to sin some more. Because we were like 8 years old and didn’t really give a shit about which section of the afterlife our souls would end up when we die.

8-year-old me ceremoniously beheading a rat that did nothing to me and enjoying it.

So I recently found my old copy, and after going through it and screaming to any family member who would listen about how every single character depicted in it is white as hell, I figured I would get some “So You Don’t Have To” out of it.

Because what’s the point of experiencing anything if you can’t mine it for content?

Before we get on this incredibly nostalgic and caucasian ride, I would like to let you guys know something I just found out. “My Book Of Bible Stories” is a product of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s described on their website as a “book that gives you an idea of what the Bible is all about. It tells about people of the Bible and the things they did. It also shows the grand hope of everlasting life in a paradise earth that God has given to people.

Ok. I’ll stop now.

The book has 116 chapters and I am not going to talk about every one of them because God forbid. So I’ll just drop commentary about the drawings instead.

Chapter 1: God Begins To Make Things

The primitive planet Earth covered with ocean, rocks, and volcanoes

The bible (and this book) says that all of earth was submerged in water but this picture has rivers of lava and erupting volcanos. It’s like the prompt for the drawing was, “A movie adaptation of the Christian creation story directed by Micheal Bay.”

Chapter 3: The First Man and Woman

Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden

I will forever be tickled by the fact that this book depicted Adam and Eve coming into existence with such amazing hair. Look at Eve’s luscious mane. Do you know how long one would have to sit with curlers in their hair to achieve this??

Chapter 3: A Good Son, And A Bad One

Cain walks away after killing Abel

My favourite thing about this is how, based on the location of Abel’s wound, Cain was so jealous of God rejecting his sacrifice and accepting Abel’s that he hit Abel in the face with a makeshift pickaxe.

Chapter 9: Noah Builds An Ark

People laugh at Noah when he tries to warn them of the coming flood

Look at how hard those three bastards are laughing. You can tell they were laughing that hard just to piss Noah off because there is nothing in this world that’s that funny.

Chapter 11: The First Rainbow

Noah and his family making a gift offering to thank Jehovah

Rumour has it that when Noah and his family saw the rainbow and were thanking God for sparing their lives, the LGBT community were in the background plotting to steal the rainbow for themselves.

Chapter 12: Men Build A Big Tower

Builders speaking different languages and unable to communicate

The tower of babel or as I like to call it, the ultimate proof that God has a wicked sense of humour. Also, look at Reed Richards with his streak of grey hair.

Chapter 14: God Tests Abraham’s Faith

Abraham prepares to sacrifice Isaac; a sheep is caught in some nearby bushes

We’ve all acknowledged how fucked up this story is so I’m not going to get into that. What I want to discuss today is how stressed that ram must’ve been. Almost witnessing prolicide is one thing, figuring out that YOU’RE the replacement sacrifice must’ve sucked ass.

Chapter 15: Lot’s Wife Looked Back

Lot’s wife turned back to see Sodom and became a pillar of salt

I will never forgive my brother for making me believe that the world’s supply of table salt comes from Lot’s wife’s corpse.

Chapter 17: Twins Who Were Different

Young Esau aims to shoot using his bow and arrow

Oh look. It’s Esau practicing for the very first Hunger Games. it will forever bother me that they named this chapter like twins not being identical is a strange thing.

Chapter 20: Jacob’s Dinah Daughter

That time when Dinah went clubbing with the Canaanite bad girls and then got sexually assaulted by some bastard named Shechem.

Chapter 28: How Baby Moses Was Saved

Moses’ sister Miriam talking to Pharaoh’s daughter


Chapter 36: The Golden Calf

The Israelites singing, dancing, and worshipping the golden calf

The first thing I’d do if I figure out time travel is to go back in time to this era and join this party because it looks bitching!

Chapter 89: Jesus Cleans Out The Temple

Jesus chases the money changers out of the temple and overturns their tables

This drawing of Jesus looks like angry Bradley Cooper.

And so ends this session of “Walks Down Memory Lane With Astor.” Join me again next week to see me rip apart yet another piece of pop culture.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Suicide Mission” So You Don’t Have To

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.

Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this


Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

November 15, 2019

There are two types of people in Nigeria right now: those who are proud Marlians, and those who are still in denial about stanning the divisive star. So, for those who proudly wear the Marlian tag, we made a quiz to test how well you really know Naira Marley. If you get more than 6 […]

More from So You Don't Have To


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.