Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled “The Assignment Of The Queen Of Coast Against Christians”
And there she is. Serving occultic pageant queen realness.
I usually start these things with a small paragraph about the author but this book legit has no author. It just…starts. The very first line is written in the third person. After that, everything else is written in the first person and reads like a particularly angry entry from the diary of the Queen of the Coast herself. It’s the kind of thing that could totally become a hilarious/menacing voiceover monologue delivered by Jane Lynch in her Sue Sylvester voice.
Asides from letting you know that the Queen of the Coast is all kinds of pissed, the book’s opening hits you with some kingdom of darkness statistics:
Am I surprised that the Queen of the Coast is a slave driver? Of course not. That’s completely on-brand with everything she stands for. However, I feel like losing 50 out of 1.2 billion souls is a loss even Jeff Bezos would be fine with.
She informs them that Lucifer is depressed about the stats and just can’t bring himself to even anymore, which means that they have to step their game up before things get worse. She tells the people she’s talking to that she’s sending them into the world and that they better return with a good report in six months or consider themselves dead. The book then introduces the reader to the people she’s been yelling at this whole time using the following image.
Her minions i.e LITERAL slay kings & queens.
She then points to a SCREEN and lists three categories of humans on it.
- The first category of humans are walking around naked. She tells her minions that the naked ones are the people yet to accept Jesus into their lives. “They are the ones whose flesh we’ll eat and then use their blood to make cosmetics for women!” It’s good to know that the underworld is also against waste.
- The second category of humans have shiny white clothes on. These ones are Christians who should be attacked ASAP because they still have the strong potential to backslide.
- The third category are also dressed in shiny white clothes but are shielded with fire. These are prayerful Christians and this is how the Queen of the Coast describes them: “When we say Yes, they say No when we build, they destroy if we close they open when we bind they lose, they are mad people and they are the one disturbing our kingdom, once any of them fall into your trap, KILL THEM QUICKLY.”
It tickled me immensely to find out that the Queen of the Coast’s grand plan to destroy the lives of Christians everywhere is SEX. Sex in church! Sex in schools! Sex in offices! Sex in markets! Sex on the internet! SEX IN THE STREETS!
You guys, her manifesto reads like the bridge of Tony Matterhorn’s “Dutty Wine.”
She then hurls the weirdest threat I have ever heard at her minions:
It’s hard not to feel bad Jikaya, Kakadika, and Aguanna.
She tells them that they have all the powers they need in the form of cosmetics. She reveals that makeup and cosmetics are so powerful because they’re made of the ashes of demons who failed in their tasks. At this point, I stopped reading and remembered Stromboli (from 1940’s Pinocchio), the puppet master who owned Pinocchio for a while. He had a horrifying ritual of chopping up old puppets who could no longer perform and using them for firewood. Do old demons with weak hips get crushed into powder and made into Fenty eye shadow?
Do demons age?
Things calm down a bit as the Queen of the Coast settles in for storytime. She tells us about how she once took down a powerful evangelist named Bayonle, with the help of one of her best agents, Titi.
According to this story, Titi just walked up to Evangelist Bayonle one day and claimed that she had a dream of them evangelising together. Bayonle agreed and they started hanging out a lot, which led to him developing feelings for her. Not long after, they got married. How Titi got Bayonle to marry her so fast is explained in two paragraphs you just have to read for yourself:
After the wedding, the Queen of the Coast swooped in with her orders, wonderfully illustrated in this image:
I don’t know about you but if I was carrying out orders given to me by the kingdom of darkness, I would also do it while wearing a fabulous church hat.
Titi succeeded, and Evangelist Bayonle died.
The book doesn’t even give you enough time to wrap your head around this story or mentally pour one out for our fallen brother, Bayonle, when Queen Mother Coast goes into a rant about how much she hates the Christians in Nigeria for being so strong and prayerful. She says that because Nigeria is becoming the evangelical overseer of Africa, 1.8 million trained female spiritual assassins have been sent to destroy Christians here.
She insults Christians for using prayers to thwart her plan to destroy the country with ebola and brags about how she’s about to launch a new disease into the country. This disease will be contractable from toilets and will only be cured by drugs (made in the kingdom of darkness) which will automatically brand whoever takes it with the mark of the beast.
In other words, our two options are to walk around with an inflamed asshole or get the mark of the beast.
My favourite part of the whole thing is how it ends. The Queen of the Coast’s closing speech reads like she’s doing an impression of a female rapper reminding everyone at the end of a concert that she’s the baddest bitch.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Can’t you just imagine Nicki Minaj rapping this?! LMAO
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.