The Aventures Of A 7-Year-Old Girl In Heaven And Hell

May 1, 2020

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “My Trip To Heaven And Hell” By Sister Gift Jonathan Ezeke.

If the name Jonathan Ekeze sounds familiar, it’s because he’s the author of the book I recapped last week in which he claimed he (along with his family) lived in a haunted house and fought demons with his bare hands. Gift is his daughter and she claims that she’s been to heaven…twice.

Before I start, I just have to say that Gift (the author of today’s book) was 7 YEARS OLD when the events in this books supposedly took place. I need you to remember this as you read.

CHAPTER 1: HER FIRST JOURNEY TO HEAVEN

This chapter starts with Gift introducing herself in a monologue that sounds like the opening narration of every Hollywood movie. She states her name, age, and the year she visited heaven for the first time (2012). She says that she was asleep on that fateful night at their (haunted) house in Calabar when she suddenly found herself in paradise surrounded by “our fathers of old.”

These people didn’t have name tags nor did they speak to her. How did she know who they were? Not every old guy with a beard in heaven is a prophet from the old testament. It could just be a regular old guy with a beard.

While she’s gawking at old people, an angel brings her a chair made out of gold and asks her to sit. She refuses because she thinks she’s unworthy to sit in a chair fit for Jesus but the angel tells her as calmly as he can to sit the hell down. The same thing happens when he brings her food.

In a place where beings don’t need to eat and things can materialize out of thin air, why is there is a kitchen?

“I am not going anywhere?” Look, I know that Gift was 7 years old at the time, but these angels had to have looked like adult humans and there was no way she would’ve mouthed of like this to an adult human. So, wtf, Gift?

CHAPTER 2: HER SECOND JOURNEY TO HEAVEN

At midnight on the 9th of September 2013, Gift discovers two beings in her room. The first is an angel who has the words “ANGEL GABRIEL SENT FOR GIFT” tattooed across his chest for some reason that is never revealed. Next to the angel is a beast who has the head of a lion but the…everything else of a human.

Note how different her description of heaven is from the description she gave before. Also, why does she seemed surprised by heaven’s beauty (making reference to only hearing about it in church) if she’s been here before?

Jesus welcomes Gift and immediately hands her the book of life to go through. Gift sees her mother and younger brother’s names but stops when she sees the name of the general overseer of her church. The following conversation takes place between Gift and Jesus:

Gift: “Wait please. Is this not my General Overseer’s name?”

Jesus: “Yes, this is your pastor.”

Gift: “So our pastor is also in the book of life?”

Jesus: “Yes. Your pastor, Lazarus Mouka, is the last day messenger sent by my father to warn man for the world will come to an end very soon.”

This is officially the worst product placement I’ve seen since Krispy Kreme’s in 2018’s ‘Power Rangers.’

It occurs to Gift at this point that she hasn’t seen the names of her other family members in the book of life. She asks Jesus why this is and with a shrug, he says, “Idk” and sends her to hell to check the book of death.

CHAPTER 3: HER VISIT TO HELL

Gift is shocked as hell to find her two sisters’ names in the book of death. Her sister, Grace, is in for the sin of “lying and using abusive words” while her other sister, Emanuella, is in for having a wicked heart.

Gift also gets to see the portion of hell dedicated exclusively to children.

If you think this is sick, peep what happens next.

News reaching me right now from Hollywood says that Ruggero Deodato and Eli Roth have quit making horror movies forever because they know they’ll never live up to Gift.

Gift ends the book talking about she’s dedicated her life to warning children everywhere about kiddie hell and that because of this, she’s been experiencing attacks from Satan. Here’s her account of one these attacks:

My problem with this is that this car accident supposedly happened on the 6th of September 2013, three days before her second field trip to heaven and hell (9th of September 2013) and three days before she begins her crusade to save children everywhere from ending up in kiddie hell.

So it’s like, why is the timeline of events such a mess? Why entrust such important information to a 7-year-old? Why am I paying so much attention to the details of what was obviously a little girl’s fever dream?

What Am I Doing With My Life? | Know Your Meme

Bye y’all.

Click here to read my recap of the adventures of Gift’s family in a haunted house in Calabar.


Share this article if it made you laugh or let out a breathy chuckle.

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


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