Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “A Letter From Hell To A Friend”.
I don’t know if these people are on to me and what I do here but the authors of these books have stopped putting their names. Anyway, this book starts with the following questions.
“What if you had a friend who died in SIN or without knowing Jesus as their personal saviour? What if he or she went to HELL? What if one day you received an e-mail or letter from your friends in the flames of eternal torment?”
After this, the author goes into the story.
The story begins with two high school students named Zack and Josh. The fact that the subjects are named like Nickelodeon characters let me know that this story isn’t about Nigerians. Zack and Josh are best friends. Zack is a Christian but Josh doesn’t care much for religion. The author points out that even though they’re super close, Zack keeps his relationship with Jesus private from Josh.
Then Josh dies in a drunken car crash. Not long after the funeral, Zack gets a letter…from Josh, who is now in hell.
The story says that Zach got this letter after the funeral. WHY does Josh start the letter saying he died that day? Except Josh was buried the same day he died, the timelines don’t add up and none of this makes sense.
A thing that cracks me up about stories from people who have allegedly experienced judgement in the afterlife is how they claim to not know what happens after your name isn’t found in the book of life…
…or what it means when a huge beast grabs you off the line and starts taking you somewhere else.
It’s established early in the story that Zack kept his relationship with Jesus a secret from Josh and never spoke to him about it. So where is Josh coming from with this “We talked about it 3 times today”? Also, what day?? WHO THE HELL IS CYRIL?!
Why does this letter read like it was being written in real-time? Was there an audio-to-text thing going on? “Ooh NO, NO, I AM WITHOUT HOPE!” Could this be any more dramatic??
So if he’s being tortured by literal monsters and his thoughts around the clock, when did he get the time to write this hella verbose letter? WHEN?!
Jesus Christ, Josh. I get you don’t have a choice now but “must suffer FOREVER”? Cut yourself some slack. Jeez.
Ok. You know what? Fuck Josh. Yeah, I said it. Zach couldn’t have been the only Christian in his life. Why is he putting all the blame on him? Also, “I wish you are here”???
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!