I Watched The Christian Movie, “War Room” So You Don’t Have To

March 26, 2021

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 2015 Christian movie tilted, ‘War Room.

War Room (2015)

“Tony and Elizabeth Jordan, seemingly have it all – great jobs, a beautiful daughter, their dream home. But appearances can be deceiving. In reality, the Jordan’s home has become a war zone and their daughter is collateral damage.”

– The movie’s plot synopsis

My heart swelled with anger as I watched ‘War Room’ for the first time back in 2016. Not just because I’d been catfished by the title — I assumed it was about a family trapped in a war-torn country but it’s really about a woman convinced by Christianity that her husband’s shortcomings are kinda her fault — but because it was problematic as hell and just plain bad. I had forgotten all about it until this Derrick Jaxn mess came up.

Derrick and his wife, Da’Naia, in her helmet of salvation.

For those who haven’t heard about Derrick Jaxn, here’s a brief summary of his tea. He’s an internet relationship “guru” who was recently exposed as a serial cheater even though he’s made a living dishing out relationship advice. He made an apology video alongside his wife, Da’Naia, in which she looked like she was in distress. When people pointed this out, she posted another video saying this in regards to her marital problems:

“This is a spiritual warfare. I did not come here to play games and to play dress-up, I came here in my battle suit. I came here on the battleground covered in the blood of Jesus to spill the blood of the enemy.”

Just like the protagonist in ‘War Room,’ fighting an imaginary battle with the devil instead of addressing the real issue: her bastard husband.

Before I vex.

Right from the jump, you can tell that Tony and Elizabeth’s marriage is a mess and that Tony is the reason why. In the first scene, he comes home from his job as a pharmaceutical salesman and before their daughter, Danielle, can show him her report card, he starts a fight with Elizabeth.

War Room (2015)
War Room (2015)

He disrespects his family in all kinds of ways, like not telling them when he’s traveling for business, not showing any interest in his daughter’s life, and checking out other women in front of Elizabeth.

War Room (2015)
War Room (2015)

To make this worse, this happened at CHURCH.

Elizabeth complains to her coworkers about how difficult it is to submit to her husband when he keeps being shitty and one of them says:

War Room (2015)

And I’m like:

Elizabeth is a real estate agent and she gets the task of selling the house of an elderly widowed woman named Ms Clara. Ms Clara is friendly in an uncomfortable way. She talks non-stop, revealing weirdly personal details about her life. And the whole time, Elizabeth is just like…

…because she doesn’t want to fumble a bag. Elizabeth gathers all the information she needs about the house and is on her way out when, out of nowhere, asks:

Ms Clara says she’ll reveal her favourite room the next time they meet. I’m disgusted by this because it’s clear this forced dialogue only exists to awkwardly push the plot along.

Meanwhile, Tony is busy setting up a booty call.

The next time Elizabeth and Ms Clara meet, it’s to discuss potential asking prices for the house but Ms Clara has other things on her mind she wants to ask.

A real-life person would’ve asked Ms Clara why the fuck she’s being so damn nosey. But Elizabeth is a character in a poorly written piece of propaganda so she answers all Ms Clara’s questions, also talking about the fights she and Tony have been having. Ms Clara says the reason Elizabeth has been losing fights with Tony is that she’s been fighting the wrong way. Ms Clara offers to show Elizabeth her favourite room in the house.

Roll Credits!

The war room is a tiny closet with a light bulb, a chair, and pieces of paper stuck on the wall with bible scripture scribbled on them. Ms Clara explains that whenever her husband would misbehave, she would come to her War Room and fight the right way — by praying for her husband and against Satan — until her husband started acting right. She encourages Elizabeth to do the same.

Elizabeth isn’t enthusiastic about spending time praying in a tiny closet like a discount ‘Carrie‘ so she says she’ll think about it. She eventually decides to do it when she overhears a conversation between Danielle and a friend.

A few days later, Ms Clara and Elizabeth are hanging out when a guy with a pen knife tries to rob them.

Elizabeth is ready to give up her valuables when Ms Clara suddenly goes:

And the guy actually puts the knife down and walks away.

Almost being stabbed to death by a Teletubby on crack makes Elizabeth take her own war room more seriously. As she’s posting pieces of bible scripture on the walls, she finds out from a friend that Tony is about to cheat on her with a white woman.

So she does her best Kerry Washington cry face and prays to Jesus to cockblock Tony.

And in an attempt to drive Satan out of her house, delivers the worst monologue I’ve ever heard.

Thanks to Elizabeth’s prayer, black Jesus strikes Tony with food poisoning, discouraging him from being an adulterous bastard.

When Tony gets back home, he gets fired from his job. Turns out he wasn’t only an abusive, adulterous piece of shit but was also engaging in illegal sales at work. Hitting rock bottom makes him realize how much of his daughter’s life he’s been missing. He also finds Elizabeth’s war room and sees her prayer points, which include wanting him to stop being a fucking douche and love her again.

He cries stupidly and begs for Elizabeth’s forgiveness, giving his life to Christ in the process. Later, he gets a job at the neighbourhood community centre. He tells Elizabeth about the job and how it pays less than his former job and she replies with this:

Me after watching this:

One more thing before I go: Ladies, don’t let people or movies peddling messages like this deceive you. If a man is being bastard, it’s HIM that’s doing it, not the devil. No amount of praying and crying in a cupboard under the stairs can change a man who doesn’t want to be changed.

Until next week, y’all.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “White Hunters,” So You Don’t Have To

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

June 15, 2021

As a Nigerian, sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are in the best country in the world. 1) We have delicious suya and kilishi Regulate open grazing? No. Ban Twitter? Yes. Ban Cryptocurrency? Yes. Why? Because Suya and Kilishi >>>>> Technological advancement. It’s quite simple really. 2) “Over raw” best in world rankings […]

June 15, 2021

Adulting is a scam and anyone who’s above 18 can attest to that. We are all tired of the daily ghetto adulting is, which is why we’ve come up with very helpful tips on how to escape it: 1.Change the year on your date of birth. Are you really an adult if the government doesn’t […]

June 15, 2021

Nigeria’s inflation rate hit 18.17% in March 2021 according to the Consumer Price Index report released by the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS). The past couple of months have seen an uneven increase in the cost of things, and this has among other things, eroded the purchasing power of the average Nigerian. We spoke to […]

Recommended Quizzes

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X