Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 43-year-old heterosexual man who had a three-year affair that ended his marriage. He talks about the woman being his soulmate and why he doesn’t want his wife back.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was six or seven, and it was with a 13-year-old family friend. I was on holiday at my grandma’s house, and we were playing “husband and wife”. We’d been playing that game for years, but this time, she started touching and kissing me.
I didn’t understand what we were doing, but she seemed to enjoy it so much that it made me curious. So, I tried it with her cousin, and we ended up fooling around for the rest of the holiday. She was my first unofficial girlfriend.
What happened when you returned home?
I started exploring more. I made out with a lot of girls, but it never went beyond that. I grew up in a very religious home, and penetrative sex was framed as the worst possible sin. I was too terrified to cross that line.
When did you finally cross that line?
When I got into university. I failed WAEC a couple of times, so I was around 23.
How was it?
I don’t think I lasted more than five minutes, but it was great for me. The babe was really beautiful, and while I don’t think the sex was as nice for her, she seemed genuinely proud of herself when she realised she was my first.
Did you feel any religious guilt?
Strangely enough, I didn’t. I guess I was too euphoric to care.
Fair enough. What happened after your first time?
The babe and I became a pair, but we decided to end things after four months. We were both in relationships with other people and were becoming too consumed with each other. My actual girlfriend and I weren’t having sex, but we had plans to get married.
Wait. What? You had a girlfriend?
Yes, I did. She was my first love. We belonged to the same church, so our relationship mostly involved dates with chaperones, group hangouts and zero sex until marriage. Sure, we stole the occasional kiss, but we were not allowed to be intimate.
So, you were cheating on her?
I was. It happened a couple more times with other women — sex was just too sweet for me to stop. Thankfully, we eventually started having sex, so the cheating stopped. We were together for six years before we broke up.
My sisters haven’t forgiven me for not marrying her. They are still friends.
Why did it end?
We had many issues, from family pushback to poor communication, but the main problem started when she cheated on me. I caught her, we spoke about it and we agreed to move on. Well, as it turns out, she didn’t move on.
She went for NYSC in Calabar, and when I went to surprise her, her neigbour stopped me at her door and told me she was busy. When I told him I was her boyfriend, the guy looked at me with pity and told me she was inside fucking someone else.
I left, but I was still willing to forgive her — I didn’t want to lose her. I asked her to come to my house in Lagos; she didn’t. After a while, I went back to Calabar to see her, and while I was there, another man came over and she refused to see me off.
See ehn, I was hurt. Anyway, I got home, cried for a few days and decided we were done. A couple of months later, she came with my sister to apologise, but I had already mentally checked out.
It wasn’t even the cheating that bothered me, it was how flippant she was about it.
What did you do after the breakup?
A friend advised me to use my newfound freedom to have as much sex as I could.
Did you take his advice?
Not immediately. I grieved the relationship for almost two years. After I moved on, I took my friend’s advice. For five years, I went on a sex spree. Then when I turned 35, I decided to get married.
How did you meet your wife?
She’s someone I have always known; our families were quite close. She had also been in love with me for as long as I could remember, so, at the time, it just made sense for us to get married.
Did you love her too?
Not really. I was fond of her though.
Ah. What about the sex?
It was interesting. She was a virgin when we married, so there was an experience gap. Thankfully, she was easy to teach. The sex was amazing, and we did it almost every day for the first three years of our marriage.
Then we started having some issues, and the sex kept slowing down until we went two whole years without even touching each other. We are currently separated — we were married for seven years.
What were the issues?
I had an affair with a friend of hers. After about three years, I decided to come clean and become a proper husband to her. All hell broke loose when I told her, and she moved out of the house.
She eventually came back, we had a child, and then she left for good.
Why did you have an affair?
I found my soulmate. She was having issues with her business, and my wife told me to help her out with strategy. The more time we spent together, the closer we got. She was there for me in ways my wife wasn’t.
The thing is, my wife wasn’t the one who first introduced me to her. We had a fling years before we both got married, but it wasn’t serious. Obviously, my wife didn’t know any of this when she told us to work together.
Oh? She was married too?
Yes, she still is. At the time, I felt bad about doing that to her husband, but we just knew we were meant for each other. So, the initial plan was to tell our spouses the truth so we could run away together.
Why did the plan change?
She had a change of heart. She had a daughter that we both thought was mine, but after a DNA test proved it was her husband’s, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. There were a bunch of other reasons, but that was the main one.
She didn’t know how to tell me about her decision, but I figured it out. I told her to stay and try to make do with the situation. That’s when I decided to come clean to my wife and try to make our relationship work.
This was when all hell broke loose, yeah?
Yup. Before moving out, she called the woman’s husband and her family. It was a mess.
Damn. Have you seen the woman since then?
We didn’t speak for about a year, but after my wife left the second time, she reached out to say she felt bad about how everything turned out. So, we talk from time to time, and we’ve seen each other once or twice.
Do you still feel the same way about her?
Of course, I do. We both do. We’ve had sex once since everything happened, but I told her we can’t do it again. It’s just too hard. She feels she made a mistake staying with her husband, but unfortunately, nothing can be done about that.
Do you miss your wife?
No, I don’t. My wife’s character was always an issue for me. She was obsessed with performing for social media, and I found that grating. She was also constantly telling our business to her family and church members. I just couldn’t stand it.
It was easy to accept our separation because it felt like a burden was being lifted.
So, what’s your sex life like as a separated man in his 40s?
I’m focused on my career right now, so my sex life is basically non-existent.
What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it a six. I really enjoy sex, but I’m not exactly adventurous. I don’t do threesomes or things like that. As long as my partner is having a good time, I’m happy. So, yeah, I’ll give it a strong six.