Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT
The subject of today’s sex life is a 19-year-old lesbian who has had sex with over 200 people. She talks about starting her BDSM journey at 13, experimenting in boarding school with ropes and canes, and finally slowing down because she found love.
TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT
What was your first sexual experience?
I was six, and my parents had gone out, leaving just my brother and me at home. They had asked one of my distant family members to watch us till our parents returned. He wasn’t old enough to be 18, but he was a lot older than me…
After that, there were many other experiences. So many more.
I’m so sorry that happened. Want to talk about the first consensual one?
I was 12 years old and it was with my cousin who is a year older than me. We were in my granddad’s house and everyone was bored. I was already constantly thinking about sex and horny as fuck because I had started watching porn.
My cousin and I were talking, laying on the bed, under the covers. I was the one that initiated everything, touching him everywhere. Then he joined me. I gave him a blowjob and he tried eating me out.
When he touched me, it reminded me of the man that assaulted me, so I told him to stop. It irritated me that he tried to please me, so I vowed to never let it happen again.
Is he the only family member…
Well, there was his elder brother, another cousin and a distant family member who was a woman. I had always been a horny child, and I’m still a horny adult.
It might seem like I only ever had sex with my family members, but the year after my cousin, I met this girl at a holiday lesson. We both had younger brothers who were classmates, so after the lessons, we’d both go pick them together.
One day, while we were waiting for my parents to pick us up, I complimented her, asked if I could touch her and she let me. After a while, she said she wanted to pee and asked me to follow her to the toilet. As we were about to leave the toilet, she pushed me against the wall and I kissed her. As I was about to put my hands up her skirt, we heard some shuffling down the hall. It was a teacher coming to the bathroom. By the time the teacher came in, we had arranged ourselves.
Choking? You were 13. How did you know about that?
I watched a lot of porn. I started watching porn when I was six. One of my dad’s workers gave me his phone to play games, I went to videos and saw a black man and a white woman going at it. It was fun. I found an array of interracial and BBW porn on his phone.
The URL of the porn sites was on the videos, so I searched them up by myself. I would buy data on my phone and all I would do was watch porn. At first, I didn’t have a favourite category, but I got raped and my favourite category became unexpected/rape.
On one hand, I was torturing myself by reliving what I went through. On another, I enjoyed it; I have no idea why. This category began my deep dive into even darker things. I found there were people who used knives, guns, whips on their partners, and I was intrigued. I was just 10 when I learnt about BDSM, but I knew then it was a lifestyle I wanted.
And then you tried it?
I went to a boarding school, so I was away from my parents. For boarding school, we took a lot of stuff we didn’t need. I had knives, ropes for tying clothes and canes. So, there were a lot of things I could use to improvise for BDSM materials and a couple of classmates to experiment with. One, in particular, Jane, was two years older than me. One day, we skipped classes to just vibe in the hostel. We were talking, and she asked me what my favourite topic in the world was. I said sex. I told her about the things I had found on the web. We were the only ones in the hostel and classes didn’t end until 4 p.m. When it was about 12 in the afternoon, we got the ropes, her night blinder and a cane. One thing even I knew that early on was to properly establish consent and choose a safe word.
She was lying on her stomach, and I tied her hands and legs to the bunk, wide apart. Then I used the cane to hit her butt and told her to count with me. She got to five and then used her safe word. It was just a test run, but it made me feel so good. She was crying, but I think I had an orgasm. After she said her safe word, I untied her, bathed her and held her till she fell asleep.
A dominant at 13?
What can I say, I am a prodigy. Jane didn’t speak to me for a while, but her friends started moving to me. Everyone already knew me as a flirt, but this time they flirted back just as much. It was like she told her inner circle about me, and I knew they were all gay as fuck, but I was not expecting them to start propositioning me. They wanted a master, and I was there for that. I needed something that excited me, and kinky sex did.
How long did this last in school?
Three years, until I graduated. The girls would come up to me and ask to “talk”. We would take walks to places where nobody else was and then since I was a handsy person, I would start rubbing up and down their legs. Then, I would hold their faces and say “I really want to kiss you right now but would only do it with your permission.” Then when they agreed, because they always did, I would warn them that I was into a lot of things, and if there was anything they couldn’t handle, they should tell me to stop and I would immediately. I think they felt safe enough to test out their limits because they knew I would never hurt them.
Were you ever caught?
As illogical as I was, I was very careful. However, that didn’t stop people from suspecting. I tried to never leave bruises, but even if I did, it was usually passed off as a senior hitting them or a random injury. Also, if you get a bruise and use vaseline to rub it off, it goes almost immediately. That was a handy thing I learnt.
And how many people did you try this with?
So, I was dominant to about 15 people consistently. They were my regulars and the only ones I tested to their limits. The rest of the women I was sleeping with just had vanilla sex. The vanilla wasn’t complete vanilla, because there was always a bit of chaos.
Wait, you had already slept with 15 people at the age of 16?
Well yes, if you count only the kinky sex. If you count my cousins, the other family members, and the people I was having vanilla sex with, I can’t give an actual estimate.
Can we try getting an estimate?
So, I refused to sleep with anyone that was my age or younger than me. Then, there were the people that didn’t want to sleep with me. Let’s say they made up ⅘ of the population of the school. The rest? Slept with them over and over again, but never at the same time. I was one of the few girls people knew was a lesbian, and it was a school for just girls. They wanted to experiment and I was happy to oblige. So, a lot of women came to me. There were also the church members, family friends, my siblings’ friends, family members, people I met at lessons, people in my neighbourhood, and people I met online. I definitely slept with way more than 16 people. It might be in the hundreds.
Wow. And that was three years ago...
Well, I am in university now, and we can add another 27 people to the mix of people I’ve slept with. I think I have slowed down over the years. I think my problem is that while other people have a love at first sight, mine is fuck at first sight.
I want to sleep with everyone that isn’t a cis-het man. I mean, there was a time I wanted to sleep with my own sister. The problem is that not everyone can handle the kind of things I am into. When I tell people about my piss kink or the fact that I like to play with knives, they get scared, so I have to tone it down a lot for them.
Your own sister? Has there been anyone you connected with?
Yes, one person and I intend on marrying her. Not just because she accepts I want to sleep with everyone, but because I genuinely love her. Since I met her, I have stopped sleeping with every single person I meet. I still want to; I just don’t act on it. We only sleep with people together. Threesomes, fouresomes, etc.
Wow. Some Harley Quinn and Joker shit, minus the abuse.
Exactly. She takes really good care of me and is also the very first person I have been submissive with, so she’s pretty special.
If you could rate your sex life over 10, what’ll it be?
9.5 because I’ve not had an orgy yet.
Editor’s note: The aim of Sex Life is to engage sex stories in a way that the Nigerian culture doesn’t allow for and so we take our time to get the most positive stories of all groups of people. In our telling, we’ve realised, to varying degrees, there tends to be an amount of trauma that shapes the sexual experiences of our subjects. In our lived experiences, trauma is always present; you put out your hand and you can touch it. It’s everywhere. So how do we stay positive, but show nuance?
For this story, we deliberated on publishing it at all or taking out parts of it to align with public sensitivities. But we realised that to uphold nuance with our telling of these stories, sometimes you just have to tell it as it is.
The subject trusts our writer, so there’s some camaraderie you may have noticed with the interview, which we decided to keep to stay true to the subject’s voice. She knows she needs therapy; she says she will get it when she is ready.
We, also, were shocked by this story — it’s stark, tugs at your nerves, it’s trauma — but it’s a story that matters and so we’ll tell it. We hope you see this as a chance to take a critical look at the current culture of sex education and take some action towards creating a safer society for kids and (other) vulnerable people.
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